An Unforgettable Experience

One day, I was idly flipping through the pages of my alphabet book, when an old photo fell out. I clicked my tongue in annoyance because it was a very disorganised way to keep photos. As it turned out, it was a photo of the Kuen Cheng Co-Ed School Special Needs Society on an outing.

A wave of nostalgia swept over me. It almost seemed as if it were only yesterday that we were standing at the jetty of Port Kay headed for Crab Island, our second visit there...

The refreshing sea breeze blew against our faces as we boarded the boat. It was an open boat this time, with an extremely powerful motor, but no karaoke facilities. We sat ourselves down and prepared to enjoy the long ride through the mangroves which could be clearly viewed from the boat.

After a long time, we arrived at a concrete jetty. The ticket collector bade everyone get out but Xiao Ming was unusually observant; he noticed that it was not Crab Island, but the Village of Lima River. We started to panic. Were we being kidnapped by pirates? But no. It turned out we had boarded a tour boat of sorts, and this village was part of the itinerary.

We followed expectantly behind as the tour guide led us to a large pile of rotten fish mixed with prawns, crabs, and rubbish. “This is a belacan factory,” she proclaimed. Behind the pile of fish was a deserted hut with a dusty wooden device in a corner.

Our next stop was to see processed jellyfish. The tour guide said, “These jellyfish are exported to America and Hong Kong, old people who eat them, will have shiny eyes.” We attempted to inquire further, but the tour guide hung fast to the only sentence she knew, and repeated it like a broken record.

On the way back to the boat, we all stopped to buy dubious-looking home-made chilled drinks at the jetty. Again, Xiao Ming saved the day. In a dark, foreboding voice meant to scare us, he said, “Woe to you, who drinketh of unclean water, for you shall have travellers’ diarrhoea.”

We changed our minds.

Lunch was at Pulau Ketam. We wanted to support the quieter restaurant. This upset the tour guide. She acquired a loudhaler and shouted “very good, very good!” into it in an attempt to show us what we were missing. But we paid her no heed.

After a truly delicious lunch, it was time to go back to the boat. As if by some magic, the number of people on the boat had doubled. We had no place to sit. Cursing the tour operator under our breath we found some standing room at the side.

Suddenly the tour guide gave out a shrill-high pitched laughter akin to that of a turkey. Then she began to dance and sing a Hokkien song into the loudhaler, as if to make up for the lack of karaoke facilities. She danced up and down the boat, shouting into people’s faces through her loudhaler.

I watched with interest at first. But when several old ladies stuck their fingers in their ears and brandished their umbrellas at her back, I started to laugh. The others hadn’t noticed anything unusual, but they laughed with me anyway.

Xiao Ming, as usual, took it to extremes. He giggled, and chortled, and guffawed, and bent over and slapped the floor. When he had laughed until he was red in the face, he stopped and asked me what the joke was.

I burst out in laughter and it began all over again. With all this excitement going on, time passed quickly and we were back at Port Kay before we knew it. As we disembarked, I remarked to Xiao Ming that it was truly an unforgettable experience.

Un-Model Essays 2009: My Ambition

Everyone has an ambition. Ambition is what drives us to achieve our goals. I too, have an ambition. My ambition is to be a toilet ticket collector. I aspire to be the person that collects money for using the toilet.

I first became interested in this job when my brother mentioned one day that his boss was a suitable candidate to collect money outside toilets. From then on, I became fascinated with toilet ticket collectors.

Every time I went to a public toilet, I would look out for the person collecting money and observe the way they worked. I admired the dexterity of their fingers as they counted the coins and the firmness of their voice as they stated the charges for using the toilet.

Toilet ticket collectors are important to society. Without them, there would be nobody to collect money at the toilets or sell tissue paper when we needed it most. People would use public toilets for free, or worse, have to deal with turnstiles and automatic dispensers. We would need to keep exact change with us at all times.

When I am a toilet ticket collector, I will be a good one. I will count money and give change quickly and accurately. I will provide additional conveniences for my customers such as tissue paper, amongst other things, for a small and reasonable fee. I hope that my diligence will earn me a place at a nice public toilet such as the one in The Gardens shopping complex.

I know I have a long way to go yet, before I can achieve my dream. And so, I must begin this journey by studying hard, and especially, paying extra attention to subjects such as mathematics and home economics.

Un-Model Essays 2009: My Best Friend V2

Everyone needs a friend. My best friend is Ninny Ning Kom Pok. She is short and round with small eyes that squint through rose-tinted glasses. She loves to laugh, and her loud guffaw can often be heard throughout the school.



Ninny enjoys reading. Her favourite book is “100 Model Essays For School”. That is also my favourite book. We often sit together to discuss the various essays. One of our conclusions is that the authors of model essays only befriend smart people. This is because we have noticed that essays of “My Best Friend” always give descriptions of top achievers in class that help all the students with their homework.



Neither Ninny nor I fall into this category, but we are still best friends. She is always there for me to share in my joys and sorrows, and to help me when I am in need, as I am for her. I am very lucky to have Ninny for a friend.

Un-Model Essays 2009: My Best Friend V1

Everyone needs a friend. My best friend is Minnie. She is petite. She loves to wear pink dresses and a large bow on her head. She has a pair of big beautiful eyes, a mouth that always smiles, and two large black ears.



Minnie doesn’t go to school, but I always rush home to talk to her as soon as school is over. Minnie is a good listener. She never gets bored. I always tell her everything that happens in class and even though I sometimes complain, Minnie never criticises me.



I am very happy to have Minnie as my friend. My parents have told me many times that Minnie is not real and that I should try to make some real friends. But Minnie Mouse and I, we know better.

Un-Model Essays 2008: Minutes Of A Meeting

Date: 30 Feb 2008
Venue: Store room

Minutes Of The 3rd Meeting Of The Kuen Cheng Co-Ed High School Special Needs Society

Present:

Xiao Ming President
Ah Nan Secretary
Ah Bu Treasurer
Ah Hah
Ah Choo
Ah Boo Den

Mdm Gooi Teacher-in-charge

1.0 Attendance

1.1 Attendance was taken and the meeting was called to order at 3pm by President Xiao Ming.

2.0 Minutes Of The Previous Meeting

2.1 The minutes of the previous meeting were read by Secretary Ah Nan. No amendments were made and the minutes were proposed to be passed by Ah Hah, and seconded by Ah Choo.

3.0 Treasurer's Report

3.1 The Treasurer's Report was read out by Treasurer Ah Bu. The Society has a total of RM888.88 in funds.

3.2 Ah Boo Den commented that the figure was a very auspicious one. Teacher-in-charge Mdm Gooi agreed and explained that she had allocated this figure for the society as she was the headmistress and could manipulate things in her own interest.

4.0 Book Corner

4.1 President Xiao Ming announced that the School Library had donated Peter and Jane Books (Reading Levels 1 - 3) to the Society's Book Corner under orders from Teacher-in-charge and headmistress Mdm Gooi.

4.2 Ah Hah and Ah Choo were told to volunteer to be in charge of the book corner, where they would keep the books in order and ensure that they were accounted for at all times. Mdm Gooi explained that she had insisted on both a boy and a girl for this post, because one without the other would lead to mental disturbances in the individual.

5.0 Tardiness

5.1 President Xiao Ming noted that members were still coming late for meetings despite repeated reminders.

5.2 Treasurer Ah Bu informed the meeting that this was in fact because the members could not find their way to the meeting room and many of them had approached him to record their grievances.

5.3 Secretary Ah Nan suggested that a pocket map giving directions from the quadrangle to the broom cupboard be distributed amongst the members.

5.4 Ah Boo Den supported this idea and suggested that directions to the toilet be included, as the consequences would be unpleasant if members got lost on the way there.

5.5 Teacher-in-charge Mdm Gooi told Xiao Ming to prepare this map and submit it to her. She would get it printed in colour on glossy paper and personalise each copy with the members' names.

6.0 Trip To Crab Island

6.1 President Xiao Ming proposed that the Society's annual trip be made to Crab Island this year.

6.2 All were in favour of this proposal and Secretary Ah Nan was given the task of organising the trip.

7.0 AOB

7.1 As there were no further matters to be discussed, the meeting was adjourned at 3.30pm. The members proceeded to the Headmistress's Office for tea and scones.




Minutes prepared by,

Ah Nan

Honorary Secretary
Special Needs Society
Kuen Cheng Co-Ed High School

Un-Model Essays 2008: Describe A Journey You Made Recently

During the recent school holidays, the Kuen Cheng Co-Ed High School Special Needs Society, of which I am honorary secretary, organised a trip to Crab Island. We met in front of the jetty at noon, when the sun was highest in the sky, and waited for the ferry.

It wasn't long before the ferry came. I watched open-mouthed as boxes upon boxes of goods and a coffin came off the boat. We all rushed to board as soon as we were allowed to, but because we were pushing each other, Xiao Ming, our president, nearly fell into the sea.

As soon as I stepped in the ferry, I began to feel claustrophobic. It was a low-ceilinged affair with cracked and tinted windows that were stained with seawater, such that only a hazy view of the outside world was permitted. I carefully sat myself down on one of the well-worn seats. It was lucky I did because the seat tipped gently to one side and I was just able to stop myself from falling off.

I shifted to the left and the chair steadied. It was then that I caught a whiff of stale urine, presumably coming from a toilet at the back of the boat. Mosquito fogging makes me itch all over, but the smell of urine doesn't. Therefore I forgot about it and the Hokkien karaoke playing at the front of the boat soon had all my attention.

It was karaoke such as I had never seen before. All the songs featured two lovely ladies, one young lady and one motherly figure. The young lady was supposed to be a young man, while the motherly figure was supposed to be a coy young woman. The motherly figure rather overdid her part and was too coy for her age though. It made me shudder.

I turned away and looked out of the murky windows. To my surprise, acres and acres of mangrove swamp was rushing past. I had always pictured Crab Island as a picturesque island shaped like a crab in the middle of a sapphire blue sea. I never realised that it was actually mangrove area. Nevertheless, mangrove is quite pretty when you come to look at it.

Just as I was thinking poetic thoughts about the scenery outwith, I was startled by a jolt that almost made me fall off the chair again. I looked behind. That stupid Xiao Ming was kicking my chair. I slapped him on the head and shouted at him. It's what we always do during Society meetings. Xiao Ming blinked at me though inch-thick horn-rimmed glasses and guffawed in a retarded manner. I joined in and promptly fell off the broken chair.

A minute later, we arrived at our destination and pushed our way off the boat. All in all it had been an excellent experience. We all felt that the 7 dollar one-way boat fare had been well worth it.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: Autobiography Of A Dustbin

Where I come from and how I come to be, I know not. As long as I can remember, I have been standing among my other dustbin friends in front of a block of student residences. We are all identical; large, green, and rectangular, with two wheels, a handle, and a lid on a hinge. Come wind, rain or sunshine, we do not flinch but stand firm and steady, always ready to carry out our duties.



Every day, students come to us to dispose of their daily refuse. Sometimes they put their large black bin bags in me, and sometimes in my friends, but on the whole we are all equally utilised. There have also been times when they have pushed some of us down the grassy slope just for fun. I am fortunate enough to have escaped this ill-treatment so far, but I have often watched in horror as my friends fell flat on their faces with their lids hanging open and their contents spilling out in a very undignified manner. It always saddens me to see any of my colleagues – good, respectable dustbins – treated like this.



Every other day, a dustbin truck trundles up the road to collect the rubbish from us. I always look forward to this occasion as I get to hang upside down from the bar of the rubbish truck and watch all the rubbish inside me tumble out. It is such fun! I am lucky not to be afraid of heights like some of my friends. They do not have much fun. In fact, on a bad day, they might turn positively green and feel ill for hours afterward.



We also have another frequent visitor. It is an old man. He comes to us to see if we have any food in us that he may share. Once, he had just taken out a quarter of a loaf of bread, half a bottle of milk and a tub with the last dredges of sandwich filler, when in a fit of mischief, my neighbour tried to shut his lid on the old man’s hand. I was very upset and scolded him straight away. Fortunately the old man was not hurt and he limped away with his findings. My heart went out to him as I watched him go; I suspected the bread was mouldy, the milk sour, and the sandwich filler gone off.



Not long after this occasion, two black-haired girls left a clear plastic bag with some food in it on top of me and scuttled off. The old man was nearby but he did not take the bag. I suppose he had pride too, and did not like to be pitied. Or perhaps he sensed the girls peeking from the window and felt embarrassed, although I knew they meant well.



And so each day passes. Seasons come and go; flowers bloom and wither. The students are different each year, yet we do not change. I am content with my job and content where I am; until the day I am retired, it is there that I shall stand.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: A Day In The Life Of A Window-Cleaner

Every morning, Mr Winder gets up before the break of dawn. He swallows a quick breakfast of herbal tea and fruit before setting off to work in his white van with the words “Winder-Cleaner” painted on the side in big bold blue letters. As the sole window-cleaner of the university’s Halls of Residence, Mr Winder is invaluable. It is fortunate for them that he is so diligent.



Mr Winder arrives at the Halls very early. In consideration for the sleeping residents, he quietly lets himself into each unit to clean the kitchen and living room windows. Sometimes he is mistaken for a burglar but these occasions are few and far between. He then lets himself out as quietly as he came in and proceeds in this fashion until he has cleaned twenty units. It is then time for his tea break.



Mr Winder sits back in his van and puts his feet up on the steering wheel. He holds a coffee in one hand and a sandwich in the other. With half-lidded eyes, he watches the world go by. Soon, his tea break is over and he rouses himself to go back to work. Now, he must go back to all the twenty units and clean the bedroom windows. It is an exciting event, especially if the room belongs to a girl, as they are usually far too particular about cleanliness.



Mr Winder puts on his leather pouch and tips some soapy water into it. He slips a rather dirty-looking cloth into one of the pockets. Now, armed with his trusty sponge and wiper, he is ready for the bedroom windows. The first room he comes to is lived in by a girl.



As usual, the girl wrinkles up her nose as he walks in. He supposes it is an overreaction to the cloud of cigarette smoke that hangs about him. He gives her what he hopes is a winning smile and steps into her room. He takes her chair from her desk as per company protocol and places it with great care and precision right below the window.



He opens the window as wide as possible then climbs on the chair with his sturdy boots. He wipes the window once with the sponge that he has dipped into soapy water. Next, he wipes it off with the wiper. At this point, the soapy water has usually dripped onto the floor or anything nearby such as a jacket. This is, however, of little importance to Mr Winder as it does not interfere with the cleanliness of the window.



Nevertheless, to keep the girl happy, he attempts to mop up any water that has dripped on her chair with his cloth. When he is finished, he says “all right, love” and moves on to the next room. Behind him the sound of a vacuum cleaner ensues. This is usually followed by running water and the sound of a cloth being wrung.



After much hard work, Mr Winder finishes cleaning all the bedrooms in the twenty units. In keeping with his thrifty nature, he has managed to clean all hundred and twenty windows without changing the water once. He is now tired and looking forward to a hot dinner and an evening of telly then an early bed. The next day, he shall have another twenty units to clean.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: How To Make A Ham Sandwich

Making a ham sandwich is easy, and can be very cheap as well. To do this, you will need a slice of bread, sandwich spread, some ham, a few leaves of lettuce, and half a tomato. The bread can be obtained free from the dustbin if you know somebody who throws away the crust.



First, toast the bread. If you don’t have a toaster, you can put the bread on a clean, old aluminium pie tray, and grill it on the highest heat. When one side is crisp, turn it over and grill the other side. Do not use your hand unless you have iron fingers. Make sure you keep an eye on the bread as it gets burnt very easily when grilled in this way.



Next, cut the tomato into slices of 5mm thickness. (You may use a ruler or measuring tape, but it is not necessary.) This is best done on a plate or a chopping board rather than a bowl or that very dirty place next to the sink. Use a sharp knife for this as the skin of the tomato does not cut well with blunt knives. Do not cut yourself. Pull off a few leaves of lettuce and wash them thoroughly. If you only take one or two leaves, they might not be missed. However, if you go for extremes with greens and go for four or five leaves, it is best to buy your own lettuce.



After this, spread some sandwich spread on the toast. You may use the same knife that you sliced the tomato with so as to save water, soap and extra labour. Do not go overboard with the sandwich spread as you may feel as if you are eating nothing but sandwich spread if you do. Then, take out as much ham as will go unnoticed and place it neatly on the toast. Again, if you like to eat a lot of ham, you should buy your own box. Very cheap ‘value’ ham is obtainable, but bear in mind the old adage, “good thing no cheap; cheap thing no good”.



Now, arrange the tomato slices on top of the ham and finish with the lettuce leaves on the top. At this juncture, it must be explained that although termed a ham sandwich, the second slice of bread has been intentionally omitted – the ham can be sandwiched just as well between lettuce and toast. If you have followed the above instructions closely, you should now have a delicious ham sandwich.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: Spring Cleaning

Every year, when a special occasion arises, we carry out a major clean up of the house. This time, the annual spot check was just around the corner, motivating us to do a spot of spring-cleaning.



We started early in the morning, each of us selecting a different job. Em and Hil took the kitchen and living room while May took the bathroom. I picked the toilet. May turned on the radio to give us some music as we worked and we scrubbed away merrily.



I took to my job enthusiastically, scrubbing hard at the sink and the toilet bowl. They were soon sparkling white but the mosaic floor still stared at me dully, with black smudges between its white cracks. I contemplated it a moment, then rolled up my sleeves and set to it with brushes of various shapes and sizes and a cup of diluted multi-purpose cleaning liquid.



After about an hour of hard work, the floor was finally as spotless as I could manage. I looked at it with pride then got the mop and mopped up all the soap water as there was no drainage hole. I mopped it again with clean water for thoroughness sake, and then had a peek at the rest of the house.



Lo and behold, they had worked wonders. Em and Hil especially, with their inborn tidiness had made the living room spick-and-span. We beamed at each other happily and then I went to prepare my room for the inspection.



This was done rapidly as I shoved everything into the cupboard and under the bed. “Out of sight, out of mind,” I said to myself and proceeded to vacuum the room. When I had finished, I cast my eye over my handiwork and felt a sense of fulfilment surge within me. It had altogether been a fruitful morning.