Un-Model Essays 2005/6: How To Make A Ham Sandwich

Making a ham sandwich is easy, and can be very cheap as well. To do this, you will need a slice of bread, sandwich spread, some ham, a few leaves of lettuce, and half a tomato. The bread can be obtained free from the dustbin if you know somebody who throws away the crust.



First, toast the bread. If you don’t have a toaster, you can put the bread on a clean, old aluminium pie tray, and grill it on the highest heat. When one side is crisp, turn it over and grill the other side. Do not use your hand unless you have iron fingers. Make sure you keep an eye on the bread as it gets burnt very easily when grilled in this way.



Next, cut the tomato into slices of 5mm thickness. (You may use a ruler or measuring tape, but it is not necessary.) This is best done on a plate or a chopping board rather than a bowl or that very dirty place next to the sink. Use a sharp knife for this as the skin of the tomato does not cut well with blunt knives. Do not cut yourself. Pull off a few leaves of lettuce and wash them thoroughly. If you only take one or two leaves, they might not be missed. However, if you go for extremes with greens and go for four or five leaves, it is best to buy your own lettuce.



After this, spread some sandwich spread on the toast. You may use the same knife that you sliced the tomato with so as to save water, soap and extra labour. Do not go overboard with the sandwich spread as you may feel as if you are eating nothing but sandwich spread if you do. Then, take out as much ham as will go unnoticed and place it neatly on the toast. Again, if you like to eat a lot of ham, you should buy your own box. Very cheap ‘value’ ham is obtainable, but bear in mind the old adage, “good thing no cheap; cheap thing no good”.



Now, arrange the tomato slices on top of the ham and finish with the lettuce leaves on the top. At this juncture, it must be explained that although termed a ham sandwich, the second slice of bread has been intentionally omitted – the ham can be sandwiched just as well between lettuce and toast. If you have followed the above instructions closely, you should now have a delicious ham sandwich.