Perhaps, because opposites attract, Mr Tan was as fond of lizards as Mrs Tan was phobic about them. And so it was that when an invitation to the Annual Forum On House Lizards (By Invitation Only) came in the post, Mr Tan screamed for joy, because it was a prestigious honour to be invited; while Mrs Tan merely screamed, because the invitation card had a lifelike picture of a house lizard on it.
The NGO (Naturist's Gecko Organisation), which had organised the forum understood the need for family togetherness, and thus had designed a programme for the family as well. There was therefore no question about it. The Tans were to go to the Annual Forum On House Lizards (By Invitation Only).
The day of the forum dawned bright and sunny with bright blue skies and fluffy white clouds. It was a beautiful day in November. Mrs Tan sighed to think that she would have to spend it indoors talking about what she feared most. However, love was about sacrifice, and she did love her husband. The memory of his indescribable pride and joy on being chosen to attend the forum almost made up for her missing this day.
When they arrived at the venue, the forum was already in full swing. The exhibits were up, the breakfast was ready, and participants thronged the hall. Mr & Mrs Tan brought Ah Boy and Ah Girl to the Children's Activity Room and got them settled in. Then they went to the lecture rooms where the talks would be held. Mr Tan asked his wife over and over again whether she was sure she wouldn't rather join the spouse programme, but she was adamant that she would accompany him.
Renowned speakers from all over the world had been invited to this event. Mr Tan sat enraptured. He took pages and pages of notes with the free pen and notebook that he had received from the organisers. In the meantime, Mrs Tan surreptitiously pocketed all the sweets and slipped all the water in her bag, as well as all the pencils and notepaper. After all, if it's free…
After staring blankly at the speaker for a while, she reached for one of the pencils and a sheet of paper. Once upon a time, Mrs Tan had taken art lessons and had learnt the basics of drawing a face. Today, for the first time in a long time, she was inspired to draw. Surprisingly, the portrait turned out fairly well. She did a few more, and by the time it was lunch, she had captured the likeness of most of the speakers. As she sat back and observed her handiwork, she noticed that strangely, most of the speakers' faces resembled lizards.
Lunch was a buffet. Mr and Mrs Tan picked up the children from the Activity Room and went together to the dining hall. They piled their plates high with food and took a bowl of soup, a plate of salad, and a small plate of dessert, each. They sat at a table for eight because a smaller table would not hold their 12 plates and 4 bowls.
All through lunch, Ah Boy and Ah Girl chattered nineteen to the dozen. They told their parents all about the documentaries they had watched, the games they had played, the T-shirts they had printed and the plaster lizards they had painted. Mr Tan listened politely while Mrs Tan took no notice and concentrated hard on her food instead. Chew, chew, chew, and swallow. Chew, chew, chew, and swallow.
After lunch, the kids went back to the Activity Room and Mr and Mrs Tan returned to the lecture hall. Lo and behold, they had replenished the sweets! The sweets were Mentos this time. Full of glee, Mrs Tan quietly took out her half-filled box of Mentos dragees. She removed the sweets from their wrappers one by one and filled the box to the brim, then buttoned it neatly into her handbag pocket. It wasn't as if she didn't have enough sweets – she still had a large value pack that she had bought from the hypermarket 6 months ago – it was because she lived by her maxim of "if it's free, take more (even though you don't need it)".
As expected, everyone's eyelids were heavy after the sumptuous meal. Mrs Tan slapped herself to keep awake and looked around to see how many nodding heads she could count. One man caught her eye. He sat inconspicuously in a corner, his head drooping on his chest; his glasses slipping off his nose. Just as she started to draw him, the speaker said, "In summary…", and the man looked up. However, the speaker, instead of summarizing, droned on for another quarter of an hour during which the man fell asleep again.
Mrs Tan finished her sketch as the talk concluded. After a brief silence, somebody stood up to ask a question. To Mrs Tan's surprise, it was the man in the corner! She quite expected him to ask a stupid question that would show he wasn't paying attention, but a swift glance at her thoughtfully-nodding husband told her otherwise. She looked back, and began to giggle. The man's glasses had slipped off completely and hung just under his nose such that it seemed as if his nostrils were looking through the glasses. She whispered to Mr Tan, "I got one question… what is his nose looking at?" and then collapsed into giggles.
The forum ended and tea was served. Mrs Tan was still full from lunch, but the mouth-watering smell of pies and pastries was too much for her to resist. She took one of everything, and when Mr Tan went to pick up the children from the Activity Room, she held back and packed two of everything to take home in the spare Reader's Digest Magazine plastic that she always kept handy in her handbag.
A happy silence lay over the Tan Family as Mr Tan drove home at a leisurely pace of 60kmph to save petrol. They had all enjoyed themselves very much today. Mr Tan, needless to say had enjoyed talking about nothing but house lizards all day; Ah Boy and Ah Girl had had an extremely fun-filled day with lots of activities; and Mrs Tan... well, Mrs Tan never said 'no' to free food. Besides, she had indeed had a very entertaining day. For weeks after, she would say to Mr Tan, “I got one question… what is his nose looking at?” and then collapse into giggles all over again.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
The Tans Take A Tourist Around Town
If you stood in a crowd and threw a stone, you would hit somebody whose relatives had emigrated to Australia. The Tan Family were no exception. One day, they received an email from such a relative saying that an acquaintance of his was on his way to Thailand from Singapore and would stop by in KL and could they show him around? The Tans, being hospitable like all Malaysians, immediately wrote back to say they would be happy to do so.
On the day itself, The Tans arrived bright and early outside KL Sentral station to pick up Dennis, their relative’s friend.
“Hello Lenis,” chirped Mrs Tan. “I am Mrs Tan and this is Mr Tan, Ah Boy and Ah Girl.”
“Hello,” he said, “I’m Dennis. Pleased to meet you.”
“Hello Uncle Lenis,” chorused Ah Boy and Ah Girl.
“Uh, it’s Dennis, with a D, as in Dog? And Doctor?”
“Lok?” said Ah Boy. “Loktor?” said Ah Girl.
“Uh, not quite… uh, DEN-nis.”
“TEN-nis,” said all the Tans together, as if repeating a lesson.
Dennis gave up and smiled brightly at them, “Yes, so where to now?”
“Breakfast,” said Mr Tan. “You must be hungry.”
“Absolutely.” said Dennis grinning, “Famished.”
They piled in the car and drove to the roti canai shop. Dennis was amazed by the skill of the men tossing the roti canai and aerating the teh tarik. And when the food was served, he was amazed by how delicious the food was!
During the meal, the Tans learned of Dennis’s love of butterflies, and so they took him to the Butterfly Park after breakfast. The Butterfly Park was filled with butterflies of all colours and shapes and sizes. Dennis was in the seventh heaven of delight and he took as many photos as he could. In the meantime, the rest strolled leisurely through the park, ooh-ing and aah-ing at the pretty butterflies. Mrs Tan stood out like a sore thumb however, because she inched her way along the path, ducking and dodging whenever a butterfly flew past. When one suddenly settled on her shoulder, she shrieked and clutched at Mr Tan, giving Dennis such a fright he nearly dropped his camera.
Their next destination was Crab Island. The journey to Crab Island was long and on the way Dennis managed to catch a few glimpses of Malaysian life. He loved the ease with which people of so many different colours and cultures lived and worked together; he marvelled at the highways that criss-crossed each other; he was surprised to see the number of people who swept fallen leaves into the drain; and was amused to find that what he thought was a dumping ground at first, actually had a sign hidden among the rubbish that read, “No dumping allowed. RM5000 fine”.
After some time, they reached the jetty. Crab Island could only be reached by boat, and so they climbed aboard the first ferry they saw. The journey was fairly long – 40 minutes to an hour – and so the ferry captain provided the passengers with entertainment in the form of Hokkien karaoke. Mrs Tan liked the idea. She said it was good value for money.
Before they knew it, they had arrived on the island. The first thing they noticed was the complete absence of car and motorcycle exhaust fumes. Mr Tan breathed in deeply. Dennis followed suit… and then staggered backwards, overwhelmed by the strong smell of fish. Without further ado, they proceeded to lunch at the first restaurant they saw.
The Tans wanted to give Dennis a treat, so they ordered lots of dishes; crab, prawn, fish, fish balls, local vegetables, even fried cockles! Ah Girl was in a talkative mood that day. When the fish balls came, she said, “Uncle Len… err… TEN-nis, this are call fish ball. It are ball of the fish.” Dennis misunderstood her and his face turned pale. He didn’t think he was able to stomach fish testicles, so he surreptitiously left it at the side of the plate, hidden behind the rice.
Other than that and the fried cockles, which he only took a bit of because the grey ooey-gooey-ness of it scared him away, Dennis enjoyed lunch tremendously. He especially liked the local vegetables that had been cooked so deliciously he wondered why he had ever objected to greens. He also enjoyed the crab. He had never experienced hammering away at cooked crab with pieces of shell flying everywhere. Somehow it made the crab taste better!
After lunch, they had a little walk around the village. It was a lovely little village. All the houses were on stilts and there were little walkways everywhere. There were even mini speed bumps on some of them to prevent speeding bicycles. Right at one end of the village, there was a beautiful view of mangroves. It was a tranquil sight and Dennis stood there for a while, just taking in the view. On their way back to the jetty, he noticed a skeleton of a boat in the water. “That boat is either unfinished, or quite finished!” he remarked, then laughed at his own joke. The Tans didn’t understand at all so Mr and Mrs Tan laughed politely while Ah Boy and Ah Girl carried on counting rats.
During the long journey home, Dennis told them about his travels. He had been around Indonesia before going to Singapore and he told them about how beautiful he had found the place. Unfortunately, he got cheated by the locals and even managed to witness a gang fight. He also told them about how he found Singapore impressive because it was so clean and tidy and the citizens were so law-abiding. Just then, a Singaporean car shot past them at a clearly illegal speed. As it sped off into the distance, the window came down and a ball of tissue was thrown out.
Before long, they reached Kuala Lumpur and Mr Tan drove to their residential pasar malam – the night market. There was more food! Dennis was shocked at the sheer variety of things sold there. There were vegetables and fish and fruit; clothes and shoes and knick-knacks; snacks and desserts and whole meals. The place was filled with people from every walk of life, most of them with children in pyjamas and foreign domestic helpers trailing behind. Dennis’s eye was caught by the DVD stall. The lanky youth with unnaturally yellow, spiky hair running the stall nodded at him and said, “All DVDs clear. We copy from Australia.” Then in a conspiratorial tone, “You want the special shows?” Before he could answer, Mr Tan nudged him and muttered, “Better not.”
By this time Mrs Tan had finished her weekly pasar malam shopping. She came up carrying bags of food and a packet of fried chicken for Dennis as he had mentioned in the course of the day that he liked fried chicken. Their next stop was the famous Petronas Twin Towers that Dennis had heard so much about and desired to see. He was suitably impressed by the two beautiful towers that rose to a majestic height of 452 metres and were joined by a bridge halfway up. The brilliantly lit towers standing out against the night sky made an enchanting sight that left a lasting impression on Dennis. He took plenty of photos before he reluctantly agreed that they needed to leave for the bus station.
Like all good things, Dennis’s sojourn in KL had come to an end. As he sat in the bus eating fried chicken, he thought of the lovely time he had had and the lovely people he had met. Malaysia was a great place. They had a lovely climate, a welcoming atmosphere, and the people were so generous and kind-hearted. Not once had the Tans allowed him to pay for anything, whether it was the entrance fee to the butterfly farm, the ferry ride to Crab Island, or any of the meals they ate. He leant back and sighed contentedly. He would definitely come back here again. As the bus trundled on to his next destination, Dennis fell asleep wondering why so many Malaysians wanted to leave Malaysia – it seemed quite unpatriotic of them.
On the day itself, The Tans arrived bright and early outside KL Sentral station to pick up Dennis, their relative’s friend.
“Hello Lenis,” chirped Mrs Tan. “I am Mrs Tan and this is Mr Tan, Ah Boy and Ah Girl.”
“Hello,” he said, “I’m Dennis. Pleased to meet you.”
“Hello Uncle Lenis,” chorused Ah Boy and Ah Girl.
“Uh, it’s Dennis, with a D, as in Dog? And Doctor?”
“Lok?” said Ah Boy. “Loktor?” said Ah Girl.
“Uh, not quite… uh, DEN-nis.”
“TEN-nis,” said all the Tans together, as if repeating a lesson.
Dennis gave up and smiled brightly at them, “Yes, so where to now?”
“Breakfast,” said Mr Tan. “You must be hungry.”
“Absolutely.” said Dennis grinning, “Famished.”
They piled in the car and drove to the roti canai shop. Dennis was amazed by the skill of the men tossing the roti canai and aerating the teh tarik. And when the food was served, he was amazed by how delicious the food was!
During the meal, the Tans learned of Dennis’s love of butterflies, and so they took him to the Butterfly Park after breakfast. The Butterfly Park was filled with butterflies of all colours and shapes and sizes. Dennis was in the seventh heaven of delight and he took as many photos as he could. In the meantime, the rest strolled leisurely through the park, ooh-ing and aah-ing at the pretty butterflies. Mrs Tan stood out like a sore thumb however, because she inched her way along the path, ducking and dodging whenever a butterfly flew past. When one suddenly settled on her shoulder, she shrieked and clutched at Mr Tan, giving Dennis such a fright he nearly dropped his camera.
Their next destination was Crab Island. The journey to Crab Island was long and on the way Dennis managed to catch a few glimpses of Malaysian life. He loved the ease with which people of so many different colours and cultures lived and worked together; he marvelled at the highways that criss-crossed each other; he was surprised to see the number of people who swept fallen leaves into the drain; and was amused to find that what he thought was a dumping ground at first, actually had a sign hidden among the rubbish that read, “No dumping allowed. RM5000 fine”.
After some time, they reached the jetty. Crab Island could only be reached by boat, and so they climbed aboard the first ferry they saw. The journey was fairly long – 40 minutes to an hour – and so the ferry captain provided the passengers with entertainment in the form of Hokkien karaoke. Mrs Tan liked the idea. She said it was good value for money.
Before they knew it, they had arrived on the island. The first thing they noticed was the complete absence of car and motorcycle exhaust fumes. Mr Tan breathed in deeply. Dennis followed suit… and then staggered backwards, overwhelmed by the strong smell of fish. Without further ado, they proceeded to lunch at the first restaurant they saw.
The Tans wanted to give Dennis a treat, so they ordered lots of dishes; crab, prawn, fish, fish balls, local vegetables, even fried cockles! Ah Girl was in a talkative mood that day. When the fish balls came, she said, “Uncle Len… err… TEN-nis, this are call fish ball. It are ball of the fish.” Dennis misunderstood her and his face turned pale. He didn’t think he was able to stomach fish testicles, so he surreptitiously left it at the side of the plate, hidden behind the rice.
Other than that and the fried cockles, which he only took a bit of because the grey ooey-gooey-ness of it scared him away, Dennis enjoyed lunch tremendously. He especially liked the local vegetables that had been cooked so deliciously he wondered why he had ever objected to greens. He also enjoyed the crab. He had never experienced hammering away at cooked crab with pieces of shell flying everywhere. Somehow it made the crab taste better!
After lunch, they had a little walk around the village. It was a lovely little village. All the houses were on stilts and there were little walkways everywhere. There were even mini speed bumps on some of them to prevent speeding bicycles. Right at one end of the village, there was a beautiful view of mangroves. It was a tranquil sight and Dennis stood there for a while, just taking in the view. On their way back to the jetty, he noticed a skeleton of a boat in the water. “That boat is either unfinished, or quite finished!” he remarked, then laughed at his own joke. The Tans didn’t understand at all so Mr and Mrs Tan laughed politely while Ah Boy and Ah Girl carried on counting rats.
During the long journey home, Dennis told them about his travels. He had been around Indonesia before going to Singapore and he told them about how beautiful he had found the place. Unfortunately, he got cheated by the locals and even managed to witness a gang fight. He also told them about how he found Singapore impressive because it was so clean and tidy and the citizens were so law-abiding. Just then, a Singaporean car shot past them at a clearly illegal speed. As it sped off into the distance, the window came down and a ball of tissue was thrown out.
Before long, they reached Kuala Lumpur and Mr Tan drove to their residential pasar malam – the night market. There was more food! Dennis was shocked at the sheer variety of things sold there. There were vegetables and fish and fruit; clothes and shoes and knick-knacks; snacks and desserts and whole meals. The place was filled with people from every walk of life, most of them with children in pyjamas and foreign domestic helpers trailing behind. Dennis’s eye was caught by the DVD stall. The lanky youth with unnaturally yellow, spiky hair running the stall nodded at him and said, “All DVDs clear. We copy from Australia.” Then in a conspiratorial tone, “You want the special shows?” Before he could answer, Mr Tan nudged him and muttered, “Better not.”
By this time Mrs Tan had finished her weekly pasar malam shopping. She came up carrying bags of food and a packet of fried chicken for Dennis as he had mentioned in the course of the day that he liked fried chicken. Their next stop was the famous Petronas Twin Towers that Dennis had heard so much about and desired to see. He was suitably impressed by the two beautiful towers that rose to a majestic height of 452 metres and were joined by a bridge halfway up. The brilliantly lit towers standing out against the night sky made an enchanting sight that left a lasting impression on Dennis. He took plenty of photos before he reluctantly agreed that they needed to leave for the bus station.
Like all good things, Dennis’s sojourn in KL had come to an end. As he sat in the bus eating fried chicken, he thought of the lovely time he had had and the lovely people he had met. Malaysia was a great place. They had a lovely climate, a welcoming atmosphere, and the people were so generous and kind-hearted. Not once had the Tans allowed him to pay for anything, whether it was the entrance fee to the butterfly farm, the ferry ride to Crab Island, or any of the meals they ate. He leant back and sighed contentedly. He would definitely come back here again. As the bus trundled on to his next destination, Dennis fell asleep wondering why so many Malaysians wanted to leave Malaysia – it seemed quite unpatriotic of them.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
When Ah Girl Cleaned Out Her Cupboard
One day, Ah Girl was cleaning out her cupboard when she came across her old toys - a skipping rope made out of rubber bands, a decorated ice-cream stick and a decorated eraser, as well as five tiny cushions filled with rice. As she looked at these treasures in her hands, she felt as if she was being whirled back in time to her primary school days...
"1, 2, 3, 4" chanted the girls as two of them swung the rope made out of rubber bands while a third girl skipped inside. A little way away another girl was jumping in and out of a rubber band rope in complicated patterns, while her two friends held it for her. Further on from them a third set of girls were playing high jump, skilfully using the elasticity of the rope to their advantage. Little Ah Girl sat alone under a tree. Nobody ever invited her to join and she never asked herself. Nevertheless, she knew every game by heart and practiced on her own at home.
"4, 3, 2, 1," she counted down under her breath. Brrring! The bell rang for the beginning of school. There was a mad rush as the children raced each other back to their classrooms. As they waited for the teacher to come, they got out their erasers and ice-cream sticks. It was a simple game; easy to play. The children played it with either erasers or ice-cream sticks. The aim of the game was to see who could 'eat' the other's stick or eraser, meaning the winner was the one whose eraser or stick landed over his opponent's.
Little Ah Girl was not so good with the eraser; she had clumsy fingers and couldn't flip the eraser skilfully so that it would land on her opponent's. With the stick, however, she was a champion in her own right. In the more unhygienic ice-cream stick game, only skillful spitting was required as touching the stick was not allowed. "P-uh, p-uh, p-uh". Little Ah Girl was very good at manoeuvring her stick by just angling her "p-uh"-ing direction. In three "p-uh"s, she had usually won the game.
Lessons started. Whenever the children were bored, they would play weiqi* with each other. Instead of a board and stones, they used only different-coloured pens and a sheet of paper with very small squares on it, torn out from a math exercise book. Little Ah Girl didn't like this game; she preferred to play noughts and crosses against herself. She was truly a sight to behold when she did this, however, because she would grin with delight when she won, and a split second later scowl because it inevitably meant that she had also lost. Of course, this made her very conspicuous, but as she was good at her lessons, her teacher usually let her be.
At recess time, while the children ran out to play, Little Ah Girl stayed back in class. She took out her lunchbox and her five tiny cushions filled with rice - what they called five stones or batu sembilan - and sat in quiet bliss throwing and catching them in various pre-set patterns. She had already played one round with her right hand, and was just beginning with her left...
... when her mother's voice, calling her from downstairs, broke in on her reverie. "Ah Girl ah? You finish cleaning or not? Lunch is ready!"
"Ya, ya, coming, coming!" she called back. She carefully put her treasures away into an old mooncake tin and hurriedly stuffed it back in the cupboard, then rushed downstairs for lunch.
*an ancient chinese game, more famously known as the Japanese game of go.
"1, 2, 3, 4" chanted the girls as two of them swung the rope made out of rubber bands while a third girl skipped inside. A little way away another girl was jumping in and out of a rubber band rope in complicated patterns, while her two friends held it for her. Further on from them a third set of girls were playing high jump, skilfully using the elasticity of the rope to their advantage. Little Ah Girl sat alone under a tree. Nobody ever invited her to join and she never asked herself. Nevertheless, she knew every game by heart and practiced on her own at home.
"4, 3, 2, 1," she counted down under her breath. Brrring! The bell rang for the beginning of school. There was a mad rush as the children raced each other back to their classrooms. As they waited for the teacher to come, they got out their erasers and ice-cream sticks. It was a simple game; easy to play. The children played it with either erasers or ice-cream sticks. The aim of the game was to see who could 'eat' the other's stick or eraser, meaning the winner was the one whose eraser or stick landed over his opponent's.
Little Ah Girl was not so good with the eraser; she had clumsy fingers and couldn't flip the eraser skilfully so that it would land on her opponent's. With the stick, however, she was a champion in her own right. In the more unhygienic ice-cream stick game, only skillful spitting was required as touching the stick was not allowed. "P-uh, p-uh, p-uh". Little Ah Girl was very good at manoeuvring her stick by just angling her "p-uh"-ing direction. In three "p-uh"s, she had usually won the game.
Lessons started. Whenever the children were bored, they would play weiqi* with each other. Instead of a board and stones, they used only different-coloured pens and a sheet of paper with very small squares on it, torn out from a math exercise book. Little Ah Girl didn't like this game; she preferred to play noughts and crosses against herself. She was truly a sight to behold when she did this, however, because she would grin with delight when she won, and a split second later scowl because it inevitably meant that she had also lost. Of course, this made her very conspicuous, but as she was good at her lessons, her teacher usually let her be.
At recess time, while the children ran out to play, Little Ah Girl stayed back in class. She took out her lunchbox and her five tiny cushions filled with rice - what they called five stones or batu sembilan - and sat in quiet bliss throwing and catching them in various pre-set patterns. She had already played one round with her right hand, and was just beginning with her left...
... when her mother's voice, calling her from downstairs, broke in on her reverie. "Ah Girl ah? You finish cleaning or not? Lunch is ready!"
"Ya, ya, coming, coming!" she called back. She carefully put her treasures away into an old mooncake tin and hurriedly stuffed it back in the cupboard, then rushed downstairs for lunch.
*an ancient chinese game, more famously known as the Japanese game of go.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Un-Model Essay 2008: Xiao Ming Has To Wear Glasses
Xiao Ming was a handsome boy. Unfortunately, he was rather vain too. He spent hours looking at himself in the mirror and complimenting himself on his good looks. One day, he played the part of a bespectacled boy in a school play. As the audience filed out of the auditorium, he overheard a snatch of conversation: “my, but didn’t that boy look good in glasses..”
Xiao Ming swelled with pride. From that day onwards, he did his best to spoil his eyesight. He did his homework in dimly-lit conditions, he lay down on the bed to read, he sat very close to the television while watching cartoons, and spent the afternoons playing computer games instead of playing football like he used to. At first, his mother gently admonished him, but her advice fell on deaf ears. After that, like so many mothers today, she merely shrugged her shoulders and said, “What can I do? He doesn’t want to listen.” And left it at that.
Not surprisingly, Xiao Ming’s vision deteriorated. Soon he couldn’t see more than a few metres ahead and had to copy from his neighbour as he couldn’t see the writing on the blackboard. When he walked into the door by accident one day, his mother hurried him to the optician. There, Xiao Ming was fitted with glasses that had a power of 1000 for both eyes. His mother then moaned that glasses nowadays were so expensive.
The next day, Xiao Ming wore his glasses proudly to school. It was quite nice to be able to see where he was going for a change. He took out his pencil sharpener a dozen times a day so he could look at himself on the mirror attached to it. After school, he made a detour to the photo shop to have his photo taken as a commemoration of this great occasion.
Much to his chagrin however, nobody complimented him on his new look. His mother merely said several times a week, “I told you so many times but you never listened. Now I have to spend so much money on glasses for you.” His father said, “Oh, are you wearing glasses nowadays?” then rushed off to work. His classmates said, “Wow, your glasses are so thick! You’ve really spoilt your eyes, haven’t you!”
As the novelty wore off, Xiao Ming began to find his glasses a cumbersome liability. He regretted his foolishness in spoiling his eyes. He resolved never to behave so rashly again and set about finding books on eyesight improvement.
Xiao Ming swelled with pride. From that day onwards, he did his best to spoil his eyesight. He did his homework in dimly-lit conditions, he lay down on the bed to read, he sat very close to the television while watching cartoons, and spent the afternoons playing computer games instead of playing football like he used to. At first, his mother gently admonished him, but her advice fell on deaf ears. After that, like so many mothers today, she merely shrugged her shoulders and said, “What can I do? He doesn’t want to listen.” And left it at that.
Not surprisingly, Xiao Ming’s vision deteriorated. Soon he couldn’t see more than a few metres ahead and had to copy from his neighbour as he couldn’t see the writing on the blackboard. When he walked into the door by accident one day, his mother hurried him to the optician. There, Xiao Ming was fitted with glasses that had a power of 1000 for both eyes. His mother then moaned that glasses nowadays were so expensive.
The next day, Xiao Ming wore his glasses proudly to school. It was quite nice to be able to see where he was going for a change. He took out his pencil sharpener a dozen times a day so he could look at himself on the mirror attached to it. After school, he made a detour to the photo shop to have his photo taken as a commemoration of this great occasion.
Much to his chagrin however, nobody complimented him on his new look. His mother merely said several times a week, “I told you so many times but you never listened. Now I have to spend so much money on glasses for you.” His father said, “Oh, are you wearing glasses nowadays?” then rushed off to work. His classmates said, “Wow, your glasses are so thick! You’ve really spoilt your eyes, haven’t you!”
As the novelty wore off, Xiao Ming began to find his glasses a cumbersome liability. He regretted his foolishness in spoiling his eyes. He resolved never to behave so rashly again and set about finding books on eyesight improvement.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Mrs Tan And The Old Wives' Tales
One day, as Mrs Tan rummaged through a pile of old books and papers her neighbour had given her to throw out, she came upon a dusty, yellowed book entitled, "Old Wives' Tales For Old Wives". It was a short publication and Mrs Tan read it from cover to cover. As a consequence, she came away with her head full of old wives' tales which she implicitly believed.
The next day, Mrs Tan bought a compass. She checked which way the house was facing and was relieved to find that it wasn't North. While she was outside she suddenly noticed though, to her shock and horror, that the number of her house was 84! Mrs Tan wasted no time. With the help of double-sided tape and a piece of A4 paper, she covered up the offending number with a sign that read 83A.
Then she went to the shops to buy a pineapple because it symbolised good luck, and a pomelo because she just felt like eating one. She also bought *pau for Ah Boy and Ah Girl's lunch before heading home. As she walked home, pleased with her purchases, she suddenly saw a black cat crossing the road in front of her.
Mrs Tan stopped short. Her heart began to pound and her breathing came in short, sharp gasps. She stared around her wildly but there was nowhere to run to. So Mrs Tan did what she thought was the next best thing: She shut her eyes tight and repeated to herself, “No see evil, no see evil, no see evil...” Fortunately, the cat went away and she got home without further mishap.
The next thing happened while Mrs Tan was sweeping the floor. While trying not to step on the cracks, she accidentally swept her own foot with the broom. Full of dismay, Mrs Tan stared accusingly at the broom and put it away. She didn't have the heart to sweep any more. Instead, she went to the kitchen to peel off the pau skin for Ah Girl and Ah Boy. 'This was because she had heard that pau makers used to spit on or breathe over the pau skins and she wasn't taking any chances.
That afternoon, it rained just as Mr Tan was due to come home. Mrs Tan was a very good wife. She didn't want her husband to get wet opening the gate, so she opened it for him. Unfortunately, she got drenched in the process. You see, she didn't dare to open the umbrella in the house, or even in the porch, for that matter. So she stood outside the compound, opened the umbrella, and then only proceeded to open the gates wide for Mr Tan to drive straight in.
That night, Mrs Tan was sneezing violently. She had caught a cold. To make matters worse, the rest of the family seemed to be oblivious to the warnings of the old wives’ tales. This vexed her a great deal. To start with, when she went into the kitchen, she caught Ah Boy playing at helmets with the pomelo skin. She gasped and lunged at him, ripping it off his head lest he become bald. Then Ah Girl remembered she had to cut her nails because the discipline teacher was doing a spot check the next day. While she carefully clipped and filed her nails, poor Mrs Tan hid in the kitchen chewing away nervously at the hem of her skirt.
Just when she thought it was safe to come out, she heard Mr Tan whistling a merry little tune. She rushed over to where he was standing in the backyard contemplating the night skies and begged him not to whistle anymore. Mr Tan stopped whistling at once. He didn't like to see his wife looking so harassed, so he put his arm around her and tried to comfort her. Unfortunately he picked the worst possible subject. "Look at the full moon," he began, pointing as he spoke. Mrs Tan screamed and tore herself away. She ran into her room and burst into tears. Mr Tan rushed after her. In between sobs and sneezes, the story came out.
Mr Tan spent quite a long time talking to his wife. He brought her another book entitled "Don't Let Superstition Take Over Your Life" and sat with her while she read it. It was a short publication and she read it from cover to cover. At the end of it, she put down the book thoughtfully and said, "Ya hor. Maybe I go too far."
From then on, Mrs Tan was more careful about what she believed. She found that this improved her quality of life as well. However, it has to be admitted that she never ever whistled at night. Just in case.
*Pau – Chinese steamed bun with filling.
The next day, Mrs Tan bought a compass. She checked which way the house was facing and was relieved to find that it wasn't North. While she was outside she suddenly noticed though, to her shock and horror, that the number of her house was 84! Mrs Tan wasted no time. With the help of double-sided tape and a piece of A4 paper, she covered up the offending number with a sign that read 83A.
Then she went to the shops to buy a pineapple because it symbolised good luck, and a pomelo because she just felt like eating one. She also bought *pau for Ah Boy and Ah Girl's lunch before heading home. As she walked home, pleased with her purchases, she suddenly saw a black cat crossing the road in front of her.
Mrs Tan stopped short. Her heart began to pound and her breathing came in short, sharp gasps. She stared around her wildly but there was nowhere to run to. So Mrs Tan did what she thought was the next best thing: She shut her eyes tight and repeated to herself, “No see evil, no see evil, no see evil...” Fortunately, the cat went away and she got home without further mishap.
The next thing happened while Mrs Tan was sweeping the floor. While trying not to step on the cracks, she accidentally swept her own foot with the broom. Full of dismay, Mrs Tan stared accusingly at the broom and put it away. She didn't have the heart to sweep any more. Instead, she went to the kitchen to peel off the pau skin for Ah Girl and Ah Boy. 'This was because she had heard that pau makers used to spit on or breathe over the pau skins and she wasn't taking any chances.
That afternoon, it rained just as Mr Tan was due to come home. Mrs Tan was a very good wife. She didn't want her husband to get wet opening the gate, so she opened it for him. Unfortunately, she got drenched in the process. You see, she didn't dare to open the umbrella in the house, or even in the porch, for that matter. So she stood outside the compound, opened the umbrella, and then only proceeded to open the gates wide for Mr Tan to drive straight in.
That night, Mrs Tan was sneezing violently. She had caught a cold. To make matters worse, the rest of the family seemed to be oblivious to the warnings of the old wives’ tales. This vexed her a great deal. To start with, when she went into the kitchen, she caught Ah Boy playing at helmets with the pomelo skin. She gasped and lunged at him, ripping it off his head lest he become bald. Then Ah Girl remembered she had to cut her nails because the discipline teacher was doing a spot check the next day. While she carefully clipped and filed her nails, poor Mrs Tan hid in the kitchen chewing away nervously at the hem of her skirt.
Just when she thought it was safe to come out, she heard Mr Tan whistling a merry little tune. She rushed over to where he was standing in the backyard contemplating the night skies and begged him not to whistle anymore. Mr Tan stopped whistling at once. He didn't like to see his wife looking so harassed, so he put his arm around her and tried to comfort her. Unfortunately he picked the worst possible subject. "Look at the full moon," he began, pointing as he spoke. Mrs Tan screamed and tore herself away. She ran into her room and burst into tears. Mr Tan rushed after her. In between sobs and sneezes, the story came out.
Mr Tan spent quite a long time talking to his wife. He brought her another book entitled "Don't Let Superstition Take Over Your Life" and sat with her while she read it. It was a short publication and she read it from cover to cover. At the end of it, she put down the book thoughtfully and said, "Ya hor. Maybe I go too far."
From then on, Mrs Tan was more careful about what she believed. She found that this improved her quality of life as well. However, it has to be admitted that she never ever whistled at night. Just in case.
*Pau – Chinese steamed bun with filling.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Tans Go For A Wedding
One day, the Tans were invited to a wedding. They were very excited because weddings always meant food, and the Tans loved food. The wedding was to be held at a 5-star hotel in town and according to the invitation, was to start at 7.30pm sharp. Therefore, the Tans arrived at 8pm sharp.
They congratulated the parents of the bride, a distant cousin of Mr Tan, and handed in their angpow. They then headed straight to their allotted table, which was in the furthest corner of the room. This suited them to a 'T' as they could now concentrate on the 8-course dinner ahead without having to pretend that they were listening to the speeches.
At 8.30pm, the dinner started. The lights were dimmed and everyone was standing to attention. The opening bars of a familiar wedding song started to play, and the happy couple walked in arm-in-arm.
"Yay, going to can eat already!" said Ah Girl to her brother. Ah Boy clapped his hands gleefully.
As if taking his cue, everybody began to clap as well. The groom looked around, pleased by the applause, while the bride simpered and smiled.
When everyone had settled down, the waiters marched in armed with the first course. Mrs Tan's eyes shone with delight. She loved the first course the most, with it's jellyfish, baby octopi, prawn salad and fish paste things. And then it was time for the second course - szechuan soup (shark's fin soup was too environmentally unfriendly). This was Ah Girl's favourite. As soon as it was served, she took two bowls and tried to justify herself by telling her neighbour in a loud whisper, "I don't take chicken".
Chicken was served next. Ah Girl said to the table at large, "Ok lah, I just take one." It was just as well nobody heard her because she surreptitiously took two wings, leaving none for everyone else.
In the meantime, Mrs Tan was busy with her drumstick. She worked away at it happily while the others listened to a speech going on in the background. When she had eaten up all the flesh and the cartilage and even a bit of the bone marrow, she put the bone neatly by her teacup on the pristine white tablecloth. Then, finding a piece of tendon stuck in her teeth, she picked at it with her finger and spit it out noisily, where it landed right by the side of the drumstick bone. Mrs Tan wiped her fingers demurely on her napkin and sat back just in time to catch the end of the speech.
However, her interest was short-lived. Soon she began to get bored and thought up a little game to entertain herself. In the middle of the table was a small dish of sliced pickled chillis. She would wait till somebody started to turn the lazy susan, then she would reach out and snatch a piece so that the other person would have to stop and wait for her. By the time dessert arrived, she had transferred more than half the chilli onto her plate.
Finally, the wedding came to an end. The speeches, toasts, and cake-cutting were all over. The last thing on the agenda was the symbolic throwing of the bridal bouquet. The MC called all the bachelor girls to come forward to the stage. Ah Girl turned her nose up at Ah Boy and said, "Hah, girls only!" before prancing off towards the stage. Ah Boy pulled a monkey face and raced after her.
At the stage, the bride turned away from the crowd and threw her bouquet backwards. Dozens of slim fair hands reached out, each girl hoping to be the lucky one. The bouquet fell downwards in a graceful arc; the excitement increased... and then Ah Boy came charging from behind. He boosted himself up on his sister's shoulder and leaped high into the air, catching the flowers seconds before they fell into the bridesmaid's outstretched arms.
There was just a moment of silence before Ah Girl's enraged scream rent the air. "Ah BOOOYYY!" She chased after Ah Boy, but she was no match for him, clad as she was in those high-heeled slippers that little girls wear nowadays.
Mrs Tan jumped out of her chair and rushed to intercept them. Mr Tan sneaked out to the car park as quietly as possible. The MC, thinking quick, proposed another toast to the bride and groom to distract everybody.
By the time Mr Tan drove up to the lobby, the rest of the family were waiting for him. Mrs Tan had hold of Ah Boy and Ah Girl by the ears, and they stood a little behind a big, potted plant, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
As they drove home, Mrs Tan reflected over the night's events. Altogether she had had a fun time, the food was delicious, and she had even managed to quietly pack some away for lunch the next day in the Reader's Digest Magazine plastic that she kept tucked in her handbag at all times. Mrs Tan shut her eyes and smiled. It had been a fruitful night.
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