The Tans Go For A Wedding

One day, the Tans were invited to a wedding. They were very excited because weddings always meant food, and the Tans loved food. The wedding was to be held at a 5-star hotel in town and according to the invitation, was to start at 7.30pm sharp. Therefore, the Tans arrived at 8pm sharp.

They congratulated the parents of the bride, a distant cousin of Mr Tan, and handed in their angpow. They then headed straight to their allotted table, which was in the furthest corner of the room. This suited them to a 'T' as they could now concentrate on the 8-course dinner ahead without having to pretend that they were listening to the speeches.

At 8.30pm, the dinner started. The lights were dimmed and everyone was standing to attention. The opening bars of a familiar wedding song started to play, and the happy couple walked in arm-in-arm.

"Yay, going to can eat already!" said Ah Girl to her brother. Ah Boy clapped his hands gleefully.

As if taking his cue, everybody began to clap as well. The groom looked around, pleased by the applause, while the bride simpered and smiled.

When everyone had settled down, the waiters marched in armed with the first course. Mrs Tan's eyes shone with delight. She loved the first course the most, with it's jellyfish, baby octopi, prawn salad and fish paste things. And then it was time for the second course - szechuan soup (shark's fin soup was too environmentally unfriendly). This was Ah Girl's favourite. As soon as it was served, she took two bowls and tried to justify herself by telling her neighbour in a loud whisper, "I don't take chicken".

Chicken was served next. Ah Girl said to the table at large, "Ok lah, I just take one." It was just as well nobody heard her because she surreptitiously took two wings, leaving none for everyone else.

In the meantime, Mrs Tan was busy with her drumstick. She worked away at it happily while the others listened to a speech going on in the background. When she had eaten up all the flesh and the cartilage and even a bit of the bone marrow, she put the bone neatly by her teacup on the pristine white tablecloth. Then, finding a piece of tendon stuck in her teeth, she picked at it with her finger and spit it out noisily, where it landed right by the side of the drumstick bone. Mrs Tan wiped her fingers demurely on her napkin and sat back just in time to catch the end of the speech.

However, her interest was short-lived. Soon she began to get bored and thought up a little game to entertain herself. In the middle of the table was a small dish of sliced pickled chillis. She would wait till somebody started to turn the lazy susan, then she would reach out and snatch a piece so that the other person would have to stop and wait for her. By the time dessert arrived, she had transferred more than half the chilli onto her plate.

Finally, the wedding came to an end. The speeches, toasts, and cake-cutting were all over. The last thing on the agenda was the symbolic throwing of the bridal bouquet. The MC called all the bachelor girls to come forward to the stage. Ah Girl turned her nose up at Ah Boy and said, "Hah, girls only!" before prancing off towards the stage. Ah Boy pulled a monkey face and raced after her.

At the stage, the bride turned away from the crowd and threw her bouquet backwards. Dozens of slim fair hands reached out, each girl hoping to be the lucky one. The bouquet fell downwards in a graceful arc; the excitement increased... and then Ah Boy came charging from behind. He boosted himself up on his sister's shoulder and leaped high into the air, catching the flowers seconds before they fell into the bridesmaid's outstretched arms.

There was just a moment of silence before Ah Girl's enraged scream rent the air. "Ah BOOOYYY!" She chased after Ah Boy, but she was no match for him, clad as she was in those high-heeled slippers that little girls wear nowadays.

Mrs Tan jumped out of her chair and rushed to intercept them. Mr Tan sneaked out to the car park as quietly as possible. The MC, thinking quick, proposed another toast to the bride and groom to distract everybody.

By the time Mr Tan drove up to the lobby, the rest of the family were waiting for him. Mrs Tan had hold of Ah Boy and Ah Girl by the ears, and they stood a little behind a big, potted plant, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

As they drove home, Mrs Tan reflected over the night's events. Altogether she had had a fun time, the food was delicious, and she had even managed to quietly pack some away for lunch the next day in the Reader's Digest Magazine plastic that she kept tucked in her handbag at all times. Mrs Tan shut her eyes and smiled. It had been a fruitful night.

The Tans Go To The Theatre

Mrs Tan loved The Sound of Music. She had watched it so many times that she could memorise parts of the script. Needless to say she knew every song from beginning to end. Imagine her excitement then, when Mr Tan brought home four tickets for The Sound of Music which was going to be shown at The Cultural Palace, their local theatre. At the time, Mr Tan was still debating the sensibility of buying tickets that cost 180 dollars each, but he decided it was worth it when he saw how happy Mrs Tan was.

After weeks of eager anticipation, the big day finally arrived. Mrs Tan felt in a pink mood that day, so she put on pick lipstick, pink eyeshadow and pink blusher. She chose a striking pink blouse, the type that was so pink it would lose colour when it was washed, and matched it with a white skirt dotted with pink hibiscus flowers. To complement her outfit, she wanted a pink handbag but to her dismay, she couldn’t find one. In the end, she settled on a pink plastic bag that she had got from the fruit stall in pasar malam, which she found was just nice to put in a 500mL bottle of water, a packet of tissue and her lipstick.

The Cultural Palace was full of people when the Tan Family arrived. Mr Tan double-parked the car near the door so they wouldn’t have to walk so far and they joined the milling crowd in the main hall. Suddenly, Ah Boy felt someone tap his shoulder. It was theatre staff. “I’m sorry sir,” she said, “You cannot wear T-shirt and jeans into the theatre. Would you like to rent a jacket from us? Only 10 dollars, just pay a small deposit of 50 dollars and we return you the remaining 40 dollars when you return the jacket.”

Mr Tan was, for the most part, a meek and mild-mannered man who seldom liked to make trouble. He didn’t want them all to be evicted from the theatre after all the trouble he had taken to get them there. So he quietly paid up and got Ah Boy an old jacket from the jacket-rental department that smelt as if it hadn’t been washed for years. As they made their way to the actual theatre from the main hall, they saw some people selling programmes.

Ah Girl went up to them and asked, “How much?”

“30 dollars,” was the answer.

“Yiii. So expensive. Printed on gold ah? Don’t want lah! Better you keep.” she tossed her head and went off.

Unfortunately, the Tan Family had one more obstacle to overcome before they could take their seats.

“I’m sorry ma’am, you cannot take water into the theatre,” said the staff, in a loud and bossy voice, barricading the entrance. “You go over there and rent a locker, only 5 dollars. You keep the water in there.”

Mrs Tan felt like she was going to cry. She had to be led away by Mr Tan who rented the locker and put away her water for her. The fat woman at the entrance cast a critical eye on Mrs Tan’s pink plastic bag, now hanging limp and forlorn, and let them through.

Mrs Tan cheered up a bit when she felt how comfortable the seats were. And then, the show started and she forgot everything and fixed her attention on the stage. Mrs Tan loved everything, the music, the orchestra, the stage props, the lighting… it was the first time she had ever been to a musical and she was thoroughly enjoying the experience. Ah Girl and Ah Boy too, were very excited. They got out of their seats and joined the other children at the railing, looking down onto the stage. Mrs Tan’s view was occasionally blocked by them, and also by somebody in front of her, drinking from a 1.5L bottle. Nevertheless, she was too happy to mind either the children, or the irony of someone slipping a bottle three times as big as hers past the guards at the entrance.

All in all, Mrs Tan was sorry to see the show come to an end. They pushed their way out with the rest of the crowd, collected the water, returned the jacket, and made their way back to the car.

Mrs Tan smiled at her husband. “Thank you,” she said. She knew he was not fond of the Sound of Music but he had made it a family outing anyway. He said nothing but smiled and patted her hand.

Mrs Tan sat back, satisfied. It had been a lovely day.

Un-Model Essay 2007: A Lesson Learnt

Write a story with the ending “- he had learnt his lesson.”

It was an extremely hot day. The sun beat down mercilessly on Xiao Ming as he walked home from school. Every now and again, he took out a soaking wet handkerchief and mopped his brow with it. The road home was long and Xiao Ming’s bag was heavy. He began to grow weary and yearned for a cool drink to quench his thirst. So he could scarcely believe his eyes when he rounded a corner and saw a stall selling watermelon, papaya and guava slices.

At first, he thought it was a mirage resulting from the oppressive heat, especially as he had no recollection of any fruit stall at this particular corner. However, Xiao Ming was a pragmatic boy, not given to wasting time on speculation. He went up to the stall and gave it a kick. He missed though and his foot met with the cemented umbrella stand making him yell in pain. Only then did the stall keeper notice there was a customer. He looked up and gave Xiao Ming an oily smile. “Hot day isn’t it?” he said, swatting a fly away.

Xiao Ming made no reply. He seldom answered rhetorical questions. A fly buzzed past his ear. Another one landed on his nose and made him sneeze. A third one stopped on his sweaty shirt and cleaned its wings. Xiao Ming waved at them impatiently and they all flew off, only to hover over the fruits.

“How much?” he asked the stall keeper. “Sixty cents for any fruit,” said the man. The first fly landed on a slice of watermelon, the second stopped on the papaya, and the third cleaned its wings on a piece of guava. However, Xiao Ming didn’t notice. He thought the flies were papaya seeds. This was because his eyesight wasn’t very good but he could never be bothered to go to the optician.

“I’ll have one of each,” said Xiao Ming eagerly. He could almost feel the sweet, cool, fruit juices running down his parched throat. He paid the man and continued on his way home, sinking his teeth into the juicy fruit. The flies buzzed after him but decided to return to the fruit stall after a while.

Finally, Xiao Ming reached home. As he crossed the threshold, he was seized by an agonising pain in his stomach. Dropping his bag on the floor, he ran towards the toilet as fast as his legs could carry him. That was only the beginning.

Poor Xiao Ming spent the rest of the day in and out of the toilet. It was lucky that the next day was Saturday and he didn’t have to go to school. He felt miserable and thoroughly sorry for himself and vowed never to eat or drink anything that looked even remotely unhygienic ever again. He also told himself that he would visit the optician regularly to ensure perfect vision, corrected or otherwise. Indeed, he had learnt his lesson.

Un-Model Essay 2007: A Bad Dream

It was midnight. I was up late, burning the midnight oil. As usual, I hadn’t studied enough beforehand and the exam was in a few days time. I was nodding off in front of my books when I suddenly heard a rude knocking on the door.

“Buh!” I exclaimed, waking from my stupor. At first I wasn’t sure what to do, but the knocking grew more insistent. Unable to contain my curiosity any longer, I tiptoed towards the door and opened it a crack. A bent old hag squinted at me.

“Hello dearie,” she said. “Buy a poisoned apple from a poor old woman?”

I rolled my eyes. “D’you think I was born yesterday?” I said. “You keep that poisoned apple for gullible girls like Snow White.”

I slammed the door shut. More knocking ensued. I sighed and opened the door again. “Go away you old crone,” I began... and was surprised to see a wet, bedraggled little girl at the front door.

“Please,” she said, “I sought shelter at the house yonder but they wouldn’t remove the pea from the bottom of the mattresses, and I couldn’t lift them myself, and I couldn’t get to sleep either…”

I felt sorry for her. She looked so miserable. However, I couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t a wicked witch in disguise so I stalled for time. “Give me a minute,” I said, and shut the door. When I opened it again, there was nobody there. The only sounds that could be heard were the whispering of the wind through the trees and a haunting voice singing in a Native American accent, “listen with your heart, you will understand”.

I shook my head. That enchanted tree would be the death of me one day. I shut the door and went back to my work. There was still another 7000 years of Chinese History to go through. It was an upsetting thought.

Just as I sat down, I heard more knocking. This was beginning to be irritating, so I stumped over to the door and flung it open.

“What?!” I barked.

A very big dog dressed in a nightie blinked back at me.

“I’m your grandma,” it whined. “Don’t you recognise your old granny?”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped. “I’ve had it up to here with you lot, chapping on the door while I’m trying to study and going on about poisoned apples and peas and grandmothers. Anyway, what makes you think you look even remotely like my grandmother, supposing she was still around? She never wore a nightie and her ears weren’t so big and she most certainly didn’t have, ugh, halitosis like you.”

The very big dog narrowed its eyes. “Right,” it growled, rolling up its sleeves. “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.”

I opened my mouth to retort, but to my shock and horror, all that came out was a shrill “not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!” I whipped my head back and saw a pink, curly tail stuck fast to me. The very big dog lunged at my fat little trotters and I squealed like a stuck pig. I struggled and thrashed and…

…awoke to see the grey light of dawn. An angry cat glared at me, his tail lashing back and forth. Without warning, he pounced on my leg, biting hard. I beat him off and fed him some cat food.

All this while, a wave of relief was sweeping over me. It had been nothing but a dream! I told myself sternly that I would have to stop reading so many fairy tales and eating so much cheese for dinner. It was at this point that I realised I was late and rushed to get myself ready for school.

Un-Model Essay 2007: A Picnic By The Seaside

It was a bright, sunny day. Ah Ba and Ah Ma decided to take their four children on a picnic by the seaside. The children shouted with joy when they heard the news and ran to pack their swimmers and their spade and bucket set. Ah Ma speedily prepared some tuna and sardine sandwiches while Ah Ba checked the oil and the tyres.

After packing all the picnic things and other odds and ends into the car, they set off in a cloud of black smoke. All through the journey, everyone sang songs to the accompaniment of the rattle and clank of the car exhaust. It was altogether an uneventful journey and they reached the seaside in 15 minutes.

The children – Aye, Bee, Cee and Dee, jumped out of the car and sprinted towards the sea. Ah Ba and Ah Ma, left on their own, struggled with the picnic things. With much puffing and panting, they carried everything to a coconut tree conveniently placed fairly close to the sea.

Ah Ma spread the picnic mat in the welcome shade of the tree and arranged herself on it. Ah Ba spread his newspaper and leant back to read. Aye, Bee, Cee and Dee changed and plunged into the sea. Cee and Dee came out quickly because they didn’t know how to swim. Dee began to build a beautiful sand castle complete with moat and turrets, while Cee ran up and down pouring buckets of seawater into a hole he had dug. He was trying to see if he could drain the sea, you see.

The sun rose higher and higher. Ah Ma called the children to come in the shade for lunch before they all got sunburnt. Ah Ba climbed the coconut tree and plucked two coconuts. He took out a chopper that he kept for occasions such as these and opened them. Everyone had a refreshing drink of coconut juice to wash down the sandwiches.

After lunch, everybody felt lazy and lay back on the mat, shutting their eyes. In a little while, Aye and Bee got restless and started to kick each other. Ah Ma decided it was high time they went home. She pulled the picnic mat out from under them and started packing everything into the car. Cee and Dee pretended to cry but nobody took any notice of them.

Ah Ba started up the car and they headed home. As one, all the children turned back to bid farewell to the sea. On the way home, they were stopped by JPJ for having black, smoky emissions from their car. Otherwise, it had been a most enjoyable day.

The Tech-y Tans

The Tan Family loved technology as much as any other family. Like any other family, they had Astro, owned handphones, and were regular users of the Internet. In fact, they could hardly imagine life without all these luxuries which they had now come to think of as basic necessities.

Mr Tan loved to tell people, “Call me Teck Kee Tan”. He insisted that his name had predestined him to be a trendsetter in the world of technology. In an effort to be true to his name, he got a new handphone every three months. He said it made him look “tech savvy” and besides, he liked the feel of technology beneath his fingers. What he didn’t tell people was that his utilisation of all these phones stopped at making and receiving calls.

Mrs Tan was much easier to please. She knew how to switch on the telly and the Astro and she was content with that. Anyway, she was much to be commended as she had mastered the use of all the kitchen appliances already and it was no mean feat for her.

Ah Girl and Ah Boy, as was typical of the ‘younger generation’, knew their way around technological gadgets. Their best friend was the computer. They sat in front of it during every spare moment of the day and were forever downloading things from the Internet. Mr Tan did not really approve of this and often tried to get them to buy what they wanted instead from pasar malam or those computer stalls in the heart of town. He supported buying original goods, as long as they were cheap, and the vendors had assured him that they sold original, only at a more affordable price.

One day, Mr Tan wanted to use the computer. The number on their postbox had dropped off in a storm the day before and Mr Tan wanted to replace it with a printed out number on a pretty piece of A4 card. It just so happened that the children were out attending their various tuition classes and weren’t around to help him.

Mr Tan said to himself, “Come on. You’re Teck Kee Tan. Of course you can do it!” With this encouragement, Mr Tan set to work figuring out how to use a computer. Suffice to say, he wasn’t very successful. Before he knew it, the computer had hung and Mr Tan didn’t know what to do. He whipped out his handphone and tried to call Mrs Tan… but thought the better of it. He wanted to call the children, but they were in the middle of classes.

So poor Mr Tan stared at the wall and chewed his nails and kicked his heels and twiddled his thumbs and watched the hour tick past. At long last, the shouts and screams of Ah Girl and Ah Boy heralded their return.

“Aiyo, why so like that one?!” was the chagrined groan of the children when they saw the computer. Ah Girl started to talk to the computer, trying to coax it into working. Ah Boy, however, was a man of few words. He put down his bag, rolled up his sleeves, and kicked the computer.

The screen flickered and the computer started working. Ah Boy dusted off his hands. Mr Tan gave a sigh of relief. Ah Girl sat down and printed out the number. Just as she finished, Mrs Tan called them for dinner which she had prepared with her new halogen cooker. Mr Tan, Ah Girl and Ah Boy whooped with delight and raced towards the dining room. And so another crisis was resolved and another day passed in the Tan Family. From that day forward, Mr Tan abided by a new philosophy: “If it doesn’t work, hit it.”

Mrs Tan Is Ill

Mrs Tan had been feeling uncomfortable for the past few days. The poor woman had contracted a urinary tract infection and was, understandably, rather miserable. She went to see a doctor at the government clinic where she waited to see the doctor and then again to collect her medicine at the pharmacy. It was a long wait both times and the children were restless. Well, Ah Boy, anyway.

Ah Girl was a good girl. She sat staring mindlessly at the television in the waiting room, and later on in the pharmacy, watching cartoons and talk shows and documentaries and soap operas. Ah Boy, however, lost interest after the cartoons. Strangely enough, he was not excited by riveting action such as Brooke finally getting it on with the mailman AND the milkman... He tried disturbing Ah Girl, but she just ignored him. Then he walked round and round, getting in everyone’s way and making a right nuisance of himself. Worst of all, he tried to run around with a stray wheelchair and nearly got smacked by a staff nurse for it. After that, he finally sat down, only to whine that he was hungry.

Mrs Tan was feeling utterly sorry for herself and was not able to cope with Ah Boy’s behaviour. Mr Tan was feeling horribly cross and had gone off to buy himself a newspaper. Fortunately when he came back, Mrs Tan’s number had already been called. Mr Tan strode up to the counter, working his way through the phenomenal crowd of patients, just as the dispenser finished explaining to Mrs Tan how to take her medicine.

“Why does it take so long, har?” he spluttered with rage, spit going all over the glass screen. “I have been here for four hours!” he said in an unnecessarily loud voice with his arms flying everywhere, nearly knocking over a little old lady at the next counter. The hapless girl behind the counter put on a large fake smile and just stared at him, or rather, through him, for her eyes had glazed over at the beginning of his tirade. Mr Tan snarled and snatched the bag of medicine away, muttering “I don’t know why we put up with this!”

“Because it’s free?” suggested Mrs Tan meekly, as she trotted beside him, gesturing to the children to follow. There were times when Mrs Tan could be so much more sensible than her husband.

But then again, Mrs Tan was not all that sensible. On the advice of her regular chicken seller, she did not take the antibiotics that the doctor had prescribed for her. Instead, she went in search of a second opinion. She talked to her neighbour and learnt that what she really ought to do was to see a gynaecologist – a certain Dr Valerie Gina (or as it said on her name plate, Dr V Gina) that her neighbour claimed was without a doubt the best in the country. This neighbour also advised her to get the doctor from the nearby private clinic to write her a referral letter to Dr Gina.

So for the second time, Mrs Tan found herself waiting to see a doctor. Thankfully though, she was alone this time. After waiting for half an hour, she began to get restless. She paced up and down the room, only stopping to complain to the nurses about how the other patient was taking so long and how she had waited for half an hour. The nurses smiled apologetically at her and went into the doctor’s room to convey her message to him. After another ten minutes, it was Mrs Tan’s turn. She settled down in the chair, with an air of one who meant to make herself comfortable for half an hour.

“Doctor, can write letter for me to see specialist, ah?” she began. A look of exasperation crossed the doctor’s face. He knew this kind of person, she didn’t actually want his opinion; she just wanted a despatch clerk. He thought he should make an effort anyhow, and asked her what the problem was. Mrs Tan was very obliging, and told him the whole story from beginning to end. It took her half an hour. The doctor tried his best to convince her that the problem was quite simple really and she didn’t have to see a specialist just yet, but to no avail. In the end, he said, “Look, if you really want to see the specialist, why don’t you just go straight there and see him? You don’t have to get a letter from me.”

“Aiya, why you don’t say so earlier! Okay, okay, thank you very much ya, doctor!” said Mrs Tan as she got up to go. “Oh ya! Eh, can ask you something ah? My husband’s uncle’s friend hor, he got a lump on his hand. Serious ah?”

The doctor sighed inwardly. Here was another patient who spent half an hour in the consultation room, didn’t listen to his advice, and then wanted free consultation for somebody else. Being a kind and caring doctor though, he talked to her for another ten minutes about this. Luckily, Mrs Tan couldn’t think of anymore questions to ask him and he quickly showed her out the door.

To tell the truth, Mrs Tan had gotten herself well and truly confused. She called her friend, as she always did in such times, and told her everything. Her friend listened quietly until Mrs Tan had finished. Then she advised Mrs Tan to trust the doctor. He surely had her best interests at heart. She also advised her to take the medicine that she had been given at the government clinic before making any further decisions.

Mrs Tan hung on to her every word. She followed her friend’s advice and took the medicine. Not surprisingly, she was better quite soon. And so, Mrs Tan recovered from her brief episode of illness, having learnt only one thing: trust your friends – they know best.