It was a bright and breezy morning when The Tans set out for Port Dickson. They were going to Chameleon Seaside Resort for the weekend and were very excited about it. And that was to be expected as Chameleon was a lovely place indeed.
The drive down took about an hour and a half. In order to keep the family entertained, Mr Tan thought up a game – they were to keep a sharp lookout for speed cameras and yell “Camera!” when they saw one. Mr Tan would then slow down dramatically. With such an exciting game, they were in Port Dickson almost before they knew it.
Soon, they were settling into the hotel room. It was a water chalet, and the Tans were impressed. Mr Tan loved that he could see the emerald green waves rushing in to shore from the veranda; Mrs Tan loved the spacious bathroom with the shower that was partially open-air; Ah Girl loved the day bed right next to the windows that looked out on the sea; and as for Ah Boy, well, he loved jumping up and down on the wooden plank pathway to the rooms, making a terrible noise. Fortunately, Mr Tan stopped him before he made a hole in it, not to mention annoying all the other guests.
Ah Girl and Ah Boy were soon hankering for a swim. They changed, snatched up their goggles (or ‘googles’, as Ah Boy called them) and raced each other to the pool. With a loud cry of "Me Tarzan!" Ah Boy canonballed into the pool, sending waves spreading outward. A little old lady who had been swimming by was swept gently to the edge of the pool. Ah Girl, however, hadn't noticed a thing, because she was fascinated by somebody's swimming trunks that had brightly-coloured patterns on a dark background. In order to get a closer look at it, she challenged Ah Boy to see who could swim underwater the longest and purposely chose a route that would take them right past the colourful trunks. Her ploy was successful. Nevertheless, she was a little disappointed to find that what she thought was a muffin-and-cupcake pattern, was after all only a seashell theme. She promptly resurfaced and let Ah Boy win.
Mrs Tan, in the meantime, had already made herself comfortable in the bathroom, engaging in her favourite pastime – bathing. She told Mr Tan that she would be out in 40 minutes or longer, and proceeded to wash her hair, even though it wasn’t dirty, just so she could enjoy the water as it rained above her from the shower. Mrs Tan closed her eyes and imagined she was a legendary princess bathing in a mountain stream.
Dinner that night was at the restaurant. A live band was performing and when they asked for requests from the floor, Mrs Tan called out, “Christmas song!” You see, she had heard somewhere that it was not the proper order to play Christmas songs in the weeks leading up to Christmas. In order to circumvent this, she decided to play Christmas songs well before that. In fact, as soon as Deepavali was over. (Mrs Tan loved the religious and cultural diversity that surrounded her and so whichever festival was near she would get into the spirit of the celebration by listening to music and hanging up decorations and sending festive greeting cards) The musicians were very tickled and from that moment on Mrs Tan earned the title of “The Christmas Lady”..
The next morning, the Tans were up very early for breakfast. It was their favourite part of any hotel stay, especially as it was complimentary. In fact, particularly because it was complimentary. Ah Boy was the first to arrive at the table with a pile of food on his plate. Ah Girl, in the meantime, was browsing through the pastry selection. She was undecided actually. However, upon seeing another guest coming, she snatched up the tongs so that she could be the first to get her bread.
Back at the table, Mrs Tan was having a little dilemma of her own. The sugar-filled cereal was so tempting, but she knew it wasn’t good for her. Oh, but it was ever so tempting! Just then, a young boy of about ten years pounded to the cereal table and scooped out a huge bowl of cereal. He also looked about seventy kilos in weight. Soon after, a little girl banged on the cereal lid with a ham-like fist. “I want EAT!” she bawled at her mother. Mrs Tan was so shocked that she dropped the sausage she was eating with her fingers. She immediately abandoned all ideas of sugar-filled cereal.
At long last, after three hours of paced eating, the Tans stopped. “Wah, I’m so full!” said Mrs Tan looking happily at the last corner of roti canai on her plate. Just then, she spied a piece of curry chicken that had strayed from her plate on to the table. Quick as a flash, she popped it into her mouth. “Waste not want not!” she said, and in one fluid movement, she wiped up the remaining drops of curry from the table with her roti canai and ate it.
With breakfast over, the Tans stay in Port Dickson was almost at an end. One of their last activities was visiting the Pet Corner. There were rabbits, tortoises and chickens there. Ah Girl scared a rabbit by following it round and round, trying to force it to eat a carrot. “Rabbits-s eat carrots-s”, said Ah Girl, repeating a lesson. However, contrary to Ah Girl's lesson, the rabbit did not eat the carrot and hid under the rabbit hutch instead. Ah Girl got angry. She flung the carrot at the rabbit, and upon seeing Ah Boy with a chicken on his head and another on his arm, said with a very bad grace, "Huh! Let the chicken stand on your head some more lah! Shit on you then you know."
However it was impossible to be angry for long in such pleasant surroundings and Ah Girl soon regained her good temper. And so it was that the Tans left Port Dickson in high spirits with the cheerful hope of returning one day to Chameleon Seaside Resort.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Monday, June 21, 2010
Mrs Tan Goes Driving
Mrs Tan had not driven for a very long time. Like many before her, she had gotten a driving license but hadn’t driven after that because she was scared. As she always said to Mr Tan, “They go too fast!” In vain did Mr Tan explain to her that 80kmph was not “too fast”.
“You also go too fast!” was her usual response. Nevertheless, she kept her licence renewed on Mr Tan’s advice.
One day, much to her dismay, she had to go to a function at a time that Mr Tan would be away on a business trip. Mr Tan didn’t want her to take a taxi as the function would finish late and he worried for her safety. There was nothing for it but to drive on her own.
Mrs Tan needed to practise and so every day, Mr and Mrs Tan went out driving. The first day, Mrs Tan stalled the car.
It happened at the traffic lights – they had just turned green and Mrs Tan was carefully putting the car in gear when an impatient honk sounded from behind. She got flustered and with a nasty jerk, the car stalled. At that, she got even more flustered and started mumbling to herself, but Mr Tan calmly got her to start the car again and all went well for the rest of the practice session.
The next day, Mrs Tan drove down the Federal highway. She drove slowly and carefully. It was with great difficulty that Mr Tan managed to coax her to drive a bit faster at 60kmph but she would go no faster than that.
In fact, even at that speed, she kept worrying that she was going too fast and braked every five seconds. Mr Tan began to get quite carsick after a while and worked in earnest to wean her off this habit. And so the second day passed.
On the third day, Mrs Tan felt more confident. She got past the traffic lights without stalling; she drove down the road without braking every five seconds; as a matter of fact, she was beginning to enjoy herself and even considered driving a bit faster at 80kmph!!
With a recklesss look in her eyes, she pressed the accelerator down. The speedometer crept to 65… then 70… then 75… and then she noticed the tractor ahead. Mr Tan told her to overtake but she panicked! There were so many cars on the next lane! Oh, she couldn’t do it! She just couldn’t!
The car went slower and slower, as Mrs Tan diverted her attention to looking for an opportunity to overtake. Before she knew it, they were trundling behind the tractor at 40kmph with no chance of overtaking. Mr Tan had long given up and was resignedly watching the traffic go by. They got home half an hour later that day.
On the fourth day, Mrs Tan was ready for the practice drive to the function hall. She was in high spirits. She felt as if she was finally getting the hang of it! In addition, she had on her new white driving gloves and arm protectors to keep her sensitive skin from being sunburned.
“Fasten your seatbelts,” she said to Mr Tan and her imaginary passengers as they set off. Today, she felt relaxed enough to turn on the radio. It seemed to be broken as she couldn’t hear anything. Unperturbed, Mrs Tan turned up the volume to Very Loud. “Ha. Now can hear,” she said.
She didn’t see Mr Tan holding both hands over his ears and quietly reaching for the knob to turn down the volume. She only noticed that the music had become softer and wiggled her little finger in her ear to clear it. It came out covered in earwax, which she wiped off on the door.
And so the day of the function arrived. Mrs Tan was all alone. She set out two hours early just in case. Now that Mr Tan was not by her side, she was very nervous. She talked to herself all the time she was in the car.
“Ok, you can do it. You can do it. Ok, put the car in gear. Ha, like that. Go slow, go slow, got traffic lights. Aiyaaa, careful that car. Ok, faster faster a bit, we need to go right lane now. Aaah!” Mrs Tan let forth a string of expletives as a car cut in front of her suddenly.
She moved back to the left lane as soon as possible where she felt safe and drove slowly. A few lorries overtook her. Much later, the function hall came into view. Mrs Tan breathed a sigh of relief. She signalled right as cars piled up behind her patiently waiting for her to turn right. 500m later, she turned left instead into the entrance, and wondered why she heard so many angry honks behind her.
She had made it! Now she only had to park. It was a big parking lot. Mrs Tan drove and drove until she found a space where she could drive straight in. It was right at the end, but she didn’t mind the distance. As there was still time and no one watching, she reversed and readjusted the car three times before she was satisfied.
Mrs Tan did a little victory chant and patted herself on the back. Then she got out of the car and found to her utmost disappointment, that after her careful readjustments, the car was now parked at a terribly crooked angle. Mrs Tan sighed and thought to herself, “Nevermind lah, I guess people will think I’m rushing just now…”
Since that day, Mrs Tan has been much braver and driven more and more. However, she still does not dare to park. If she has to drive somewhere where she foresees difficulty in parking, she selects one of three options:
1) Park far, far away.
2) Take a bus.
3) Don’t go.
“You also go too fast!” was her usual response. Nevertheless, she kept her licence renewed on Mr Tan’s advice.
One day, much to her dismay, she had to go to a function at a time that Mr Tan would be away on a business trip. Mr Tan didn’t want her to take a taxi as the function would finish late and he worried for her safety. There was nothing for it but to drive on her own.
Mrs Tan needed to practise and so every day, Mr and Mrs Tan went out driving. The first day, Mrs Tan stalled the car.
It happened at the traffic lights – they had just turned green and Mrs Tan was carefully putting the car in gear when an impatient honk sounded from behind. She got flustered and with a nasty jerk, the car stalled. At that, she got even more flustered and started mumbling to herself, but Mr Tan calmly got her to start the car again and all went well for the rest of the practice session.
The next day, Mrs Tan drove down the Federal highway. She drove slowly and carefully. It was with great difficulty that Mr Tan managed to coax her to drive a bit faster at 60kmph but she would go no faster than that.
In fact, even at that speed, she kept worrying that she was going too fast and braked every five seconds. Mr Tan began to get quite carsick after a while and worked in earnest to wean her off this habit. And so the second day passed.
On the third day, Mrs Tan felt more confident. She got past the traffic lights without stalling; she drove down the road without braking every five seconds; as a matter of fact, she was beginning to enjoy herself and even considered driving a bit faster at 80kmph!!
With a recklesss look in her eyes, she pressed the accelerator down. The speedometer crept to 65… then 70… then 75… and then she noticed the tractor ahead. Mr Tan told her to overtake but she panicked! There were so many cars on the next lane! Oh, she couldn’t do it! She just couldn’t!
The car went slower and slower, as Mrs Tan diverted her attention to looking for an opportunity to overtake. Before she knew it, they were trundling behind the tractor at 40kmph with no chance of overtaking. Mr Tan had long given up and was resignedly watching the traffic go by. They got home half an hour later that day.
On the fourth day, Mrs Tan was ready for the practice drive to the function hall. She was in high spirits. She felt as if she was finally getting the hang of it! In addition, she had on her new white driving gloves and arm protectors to keep her sensitive skin from being sunburned.
“Fasten your seatbelts,” she said to Mr Tan and her imaginary passengers as they set off. Today, she felt relaxed enough to turn on the radio. It seemed to be broken as she couldn’t hear anything. Unperturbed, Mrs Tan turned up the volume to Very Loud. “Ha. Now can hear,” she said.
She didn’t see Mr Tan holding both hands over his ears and quietly reaching for the knob to turn down the volume. She only noticed that the music had become softer and wiggled her little finger in her ear to clear it. It came out covered in earwax, which she wiped off on the door.
And so the day of the function arrived. Mrs Tan was all alone. She set out two hours early just in case. Now that Mr Tan was not by her side, she was very nervous. She talked to herself all the time she was in the car.
“Ok, you can do it. You can do it. Ok, put the car in gear. Ha, like that. Go slow, go slow, got traffic lights. Aiyaaa, careful that car. Ok, faster faster a bit, we need to go right lane now. Aaah!” Mrs Tan let forth a string of expletives as a car cut in front of her suddenly.
She moved back to the left lane as soon as possible where she felt safe and drove slowly. A few lorries overtook her. Much later, the function hall came into view. Mrs Tan breathed a sigh of relief. She signalled right as cars piled up behind her patiently waiting for her to turn right. 500m later, she turned left instead into the entrance, and wondered why she heard so many angry honks behind her.
She had made it! Now she only had to park. It was a big parking lot. Mrs Tan drove and drove until she found a space where she could drive straight in. It was right at the end, but she didn’t mind the distance. As there was still time and no one watching, she reversed and readjusted the car three times before she was satisfied.
Mrs Tan did a little victory chant and patted herself on the back. Then she got out of the car and found to her utmost disappointment, that after her careful readjustments, the car was now parked at a terribly crooked angle. Mrs Tan sighed and thought to herself, “Nevermind lah, I guess people will think I’m rushing just now…”
Since that day, Mrs Tan has been much braver and driven more and more. However, she still does not dare to park. If she has to drive somewhere where she foresees difficulty in parking, she selects one of three options:
1) Park far, far away.
2) Take a bus.
3) Don’t go.
The Tans - 3041 Years In The Future
The year was 5050. The descendents of the Tan Family had survived the many disasters and catastrophes that Earth had gone through, and lived to bear the name of Tan proudly into the 51st century.
And so, one gloriously sunny day in 5050, the Tan Family woke up to the jolly chirping of the birds. Mrs Tan was down first. She was the fastest to get dressed ever since her husband had got her her wardrobe assistant for Christmas. This was a smart little gadget that would randomly piece together the clothes in her cupboard to create a smart, tasteful outfit. All Mrs Tan had to do was to press a button, and follow the advice of the wardrobe assistant. She no longer had to sit on her bed and stare at her cupboard for hours, trying to decide what to wear.
Once downstairs, she clapped her hands in a special sequence. The tea-maker came on and started to make tea. She then put some special dough mixture into the super-speed-bread-maker. In 10 minutes time, she was in the rooftop garden putting out hot chamomile tea and fresh hot rolls on the breakfast table. Ah Boy and Ah Girl were already there, looking to see which fresh fruit they could pluck from the many kinds of fruit trees they grew there. Mr Tan came last, yawning as he walked towards the table. He sat in his chair and turned on the hologram screen where he read the latest news.
It was a public holiday so Mr Tan did not have to go to work that day, and the children didn't have to go to school. While Mr Tan sat calmly, sipping his morning tea and reading the news, Ah Boy and Ah Girl finished their breakfast in a jiffy and ran downstairs to "do homework". They did take out their featherlight laptops that they brought to school. However, homework was the last thing on their agenda as they started playing computer games.
When breakfast was over, Mrs Tan collected the plates to put them in the dishwasher, and set the table to 'autoclean'. Then she ran to watch her online soap opera, answer emails and tend her virtual farm.
Around lunchtime, the Tans piled into Mr Tan's solar-powered car and went out for lunch and grocery shopping. But before that, they had to go to the optician's. In this day and age, opticians could be found on every corner, because, with the advancement in computers and technology, nearly everyone fell victim to short-sightedness and had to wear glasses.
Some things hadn't changed in more than 3000 years - the kids still hankered for McDonalds. And so McDonalds it was for lunch. Ah Boy was at the display case looking at the Happy Meal toys when a little boy rudely pushed his way in front of him. Ah Boy was furious, but nobody was looking except the boy’s mother who stared vacantly in his direction. Just then, she turned away. Ah Boy swiftly tripped the boy up, and then with unprecedented concern, helped him up again, smacking the boy as hard as he could, under the pretence of patting down his clothes. It was well-executed and Ah Boy came off as the hero of the day.
Ah Girl wasn't so lucky. They had gone straight to the supermarket after lunch, and she was trying to get a packet of crisps that was right at the back of the shelf. It was an accident waiting to happen. With a crash, all the crisps fell down. Quick as lightning, Ah Girl snatched the crisps she was looking for and scuttled away like a frightened rabbit. Ah Boy was standing some way away, but instead of helping to put the crisps back, he just stood there and guffawed, until Ah Girl sneaked up from behind and gave him a kick.
Finally, The Tans had bought everything they needed, and much more that they didn't need. They piled it all into their environmentally-friendly foldable trolley and headed back to the car, stopping for ice-cream on the way. Mrs Tan loved ice-cream. She lagged behind, eating hers slowly. And then, tragedy struck. Somebody rushing past knocked her elbow violently. Her ice-cream cone fell out of her hand and landed with a splat on the floor. Mrs Tan stared in disbelief at the mess on the floor that had been her highlight of the day... and then quickly ran away because she didn't want to clean up or let anybody know that it was her ice-cream they were stepping on.
And so, another day passed for the Tan Family. That night, just before they went to bed, Mrs Tan threw out the rubbish. As it was particularly foul-smelling domestic waste, she threw it into the neighbour's dustbin, then washed her hands with peach-scented handwash and went to bed.
It was a new generation, but the same old Tans.
And so, one gloriously sunny day in 5050, the Tan Family woke up to the jolly chirping of the birds. Mrs Tan was down first. She was the fastest to get dressed ever since her husband had got her her wardrobe assistant for Christmas. This was a smart little gadget that would randomly piece together the clothes in her cupboard to create a smart, tasteful outfit. All Mrs Tan had to do was to press a button, and follow the advice of the wardrobe assistant. She no longer had to sit on her bed and stare at her cupboard for hours, trying to decide what to wear.
Once downstairs, she clapped her hands in a special sequence. The tea-maker came on and started to make tea. She then put some special dough mixture into the super-speed-bread-maker. In 10 minutes time, she was in the rooftop garden putting out hot chamomile tea and fresh hot rolls on the breakfast table. Ah Boy and Ah Girl were already there, looking to see which fresh fruit they could pluck from the many kinds of fruit trees they grew there. Mr Tan came last, yawning as he walked towards the table. He sat in his chair and turned on the hologram screen where he read the latest news.
It was a public holiday so Mr Tan did not have to go to work that day, and the children didn't have to go to school. While Mr Tan sat calmly, sipping his morning tea and reading the news, Ah Boy and Ah Girl finished their breakfast in a jiffy and ran downstairs to "do homework". They did take out their featherlight laptops that they brought to school. However, homework was the last thing on their agenda as they started playing computer games.
When breakfast was over, Mrs Tan collected the plates to put them in the dishwasher, and set the table to 'autoclean'. Then she ran to watch her online soap opera, answer emails and tend her virtual farm.
Around lunchtime, the Tans piled into Mr Tan's solar-powered car and went out for lunch and grocery shopping. But before that, they had to go to the optician's. In this day and age, opticians could be found on every corner, because, with the advancement in computers and technology, nearly everyone fell victim to short-sightedness and had to wear glasses.
Some things hadn't changed in more than 3000 years - the kids still hankered for McDonalds. And so McDonalds it was for lunch. Ah Boy was at the display case looking at the Happy Meal toys when a little boy rudely pushed his way in front of him. Ah Boy was furious, but nobody was looking except the boy’s mother who stared vacantly in his direction. Just then, she turned away. Ah Boy swiftly tripped the boy up, and then with unprecedented concern, helped him up again, smacking the boy as hard as he could, under the pretence of patting down his clothes. It was well-executed and Ah Boy came off as the hero of the day.
Ah Girl wasn't so lucky. They had gone straight to the supermarket after lunch, and she was trying to get a packet of crisps that was right at the back of the shelf. It was an accident waiting to happen. With a crash, all the crisps fell down. Quick as lightning, Ah Girl snatched the crisps she was looking for and scuttled away like a frightened rabbit. Ah Boy was standing some way away, but instead of helping to put the crisps back, he just stood there and guffawed, until Ah Girl sneaked up from behind and gave him a kick.
Finally, The Tans had bought everything they needed, and much more that they didn't need. They piled it all into their environmentally-friendly foldable trolley and headed back to the car, stopping for ice-cream on the way. Mrs Tan loved ice-cream. She lagged behind, eating hers slowly. And then, tragedy struck. Somebody rushing past knocked her elbow violently. Her ice-cream cone fell out of her hand and landed with a splat on the floor. Mrs Tan stared in disbelief at the mess on the floor that had been her highlight of the day... and then quickly ran away because she didn't want to clean up or let anybody know that it was her ice-cream they were stepping on.
And so, another day passed for the Tan Family. That night, just before they went to bed, Mrs Tan threw out the rubbish. As it was particularly foul-smelling domestic waste, she threw it into the neighbour's dustbin, then washed her hands with peach-scented handwash and went to bed.
It was a new generation, but the same old Tans.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
An Unforgettable Experience
One day,
I was idly flipping through the pages of my alphabet book, when an old photo
fell out. I clicked my tongue in annoyance because it was a very disorganised
way to keep photos. As it turned out, it was a photo of the Kuen Cheng Co-Ed
School Special Needs Society on an outing.
A wave of nostalgia swept over me. It almost seemed as if it were only yesterday that we were standing at the jetty of Port Kay headed for Crab Island, our second visit there...
The refreshing sea breeze blew against our faces as we boarded the boat. It was an open boat this time, with an extremely powerful motor, but no karaoke facilities. We sat ourselves down and prepared to enjoy the long ride through the mangroves which could be clearly viewed from the boat.
After a long time, we arrived at a concrete jetty. The ticket collector bade everyone get out but Xiao Ming was unusually observant; he noticed that it was not Crab Island, but the Village of Lima River. We started to panic. Were we being kidnapped by pirates? But no. It turned out we had boarded a tour boat of sorts, and this village was part of the itinerary.
We followed expectantly behind as the tour guide led us to a large pile of rotten fish mixed with prawns, crabs, and rubbish. “This is a belacan factory,” she proclaimed. Behind the pile of fish was a deserted hut with a dusty wooden device in a corner.
Our next stop was to see processed jellyfish. The tour guide said, “These jellyfish are exported to America and Hong Kong, old people who eat them, will have shiny eyes.” We attempted to inquire further, but the tour guide hung fast to the only sentence she knew, and repeated it like a broken record.
On the way back to the boat, we all stopped to buy dubious-looking home-made chilled drinks at the jetty. Again, Xiao Ming saved the day. In a dark, foreboding voice meant to scare us, he said, “Woe to you, who drinketh of unclean water, for you shall have travellers’ diarrhoea.”
We changed our minds.
Lunch was at Pulau Ketam. We wanted to support the quieter restaurant. This upset the tour guide. She acquired a loudhaler and shouted “very good, very good!” into it in an attempt to show us what we were missing. But we paid her no heed.
After a truly delicious lunch, it was time to go back to the boat. As if by some magic, the number of people on the boat had doubled. We had no place to sit. Cursing the tour operator under our breath we found some standing room at the side.
Suddenly the tour guide gave out a shrill-high pitched laughter akin to that of a turkey. Then she began to dance and sing a Hokkien song into the loudhaler, as if to make up for the lack of karaoke facilities. She danced up and down the boat, shouting into people’s faces through her loudhaler.
I watched with interest at first. But when several old ladies stuck their fingers in their ears and brandished their umbrellas at her back, I started to laugh. The others hadn’t noticed anything unusual, but they laughed with me anyway.
Xiao Ming, as usual, took it to extremes. He giggled, and chortled, and guffawed, and bent over and slapped the floor. When he had laughed until he was red in the face, he stopped and asked me what the joke was.
I burst out in laughter and it began all over again. With all this excitement going on, time passed quickly and we were back at Port Kay before we knew it. As we disembarked, I remarked to Xiao Ming that it was truly an unforgettable experience.
A wave of nostalgia swept over me. It almost seemed as if it were only yesterday that we were standing at the jetty of Port Kay headed for Crab Island, our second visit there...
The refreshing sea breeze blew against our faces as we boarded the boat. It was an open boat this time, with an extremely powerful motor, but no karaoke facilities. We sat ourselves down and prepared to enjoy the long ride through the mangroves which could be clearly viewed from the boat.
After a long time, we arrived at a concrete jetty. The ticket collector bade everyone get out but Xiao Ming was unusually observant; he noticed that it was not Crab Island, but the Village of Lima River. We started to panic. Were we being kidnapped by pirates? But no. It turned out we had boarded a tour boat of sorts, and this village was part of the itinerary.
We followed expectantly behind as the tour guide led us to a large pile of rotten fish mixed with prawns, crabs, and rubbish. “This is a belacan factory,” she proclaimed. Behind the pile of fish was a deserted hut with a dusty wooden device in a corner.
Our next stop was to see processed jellyfish. The tour guide said, “These jellyfish are exported to America and Hong Kong, old people who eat them, will have shiny eyes.” We attempted to inquire further, but the tour guide hung fast to the only sentence she knew, and repeated it like a broken record.
On the way back to the boat, we all stopped to buy dubious-looking home-made chilled drinks at the jetty. Again, Xiao Ming saved the day. In a dark, foreboding voice meant to scare us, he said, “Woe to you, who drinketh of unclean water, for you shall have travellers’ diarrhoea.”
We changed our minds.
Lunch was at Pulau Ketam. We wanted to support the quieter restaurant. This upset the tour guide. She acquired a loudhaler and shouted “very good, very good!” into it in an attempt to show us what we were missing. But we paid her no heed.
After a truly delicious lunch, it was time to go back to the boat. As if by some magic, the number of people on the boat had doubled. We had no place to sit. Cursing the tour operator under our breath we found some standing room at the side.
Suddenly the tour guide gave out a shrill-high pitched laughter akin to that of a turkey. Then she began to dance and sing a Hokkien song into the loudhaler, as if to make up for the lack of karaoke facilities. She danced up and down the boat, shouting into people’s faces through her loudhaler.
I watched with interest at first. But when several old ladies stuck their fingers in their ears and brandished their umbrellas at her back, I started to laugh. The others hadn’t noticed anything unusual, but they laughed with me anyway.
Xiao Ming, as usual, took it to extremes. He giggled, and chortled, and guffawed, and bent over and slapped the floor. When he had laughed until he was red in the face, he stopped and asked me what the joke was.
I burst out in laughter and it began all over again. With all this excitement going on, time passed quickly and we were back at Port Kay before we knew it. As we disembarked, I remarked to Xiao Ming that it was truly an unforgettable experience.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Un-Model Essays 2009: My Ambition
Everyone has an ambition. Ambition is what drives us to achieve our goals. I too, have an ambition. My ambition is to be a toilet ticket collector. I aspire to be the person that collects money for using the toilet.
I first became interested in this job when my brother mentioned one day that his boss was a suitable candidate to collect money outside toilets. From then on, I became fascinated with toilet ticket collectors.
Every time I went to a public toilet, I would look out for the person collecting money and observe the way they worked. I admired the dexterity of their fingers as they counted the coins and the firmness of their voice as they stated the charges for using the toilet.
Toilet ticket collectors are important to society. Without them, there would be nobody to collect money at the toilets or sell tissue paper when we needed it most. People would use public toilets for free, or worse, have to deal with turnstiles and automatic dispensers. We would need to keep exact change with us at all times.
When I am a toilet ticket collector, I will be a good one. I will count money and give change quickly and accurately. I will provide additional conveniences for my customers such as tissue paper, amongst other things, for a small and reasonable fee. I hope that my diligence will earn me a place at a nice public toilet such as the one in The Gardens shopping complex.
I know I have a long way to go yet, before I can achieve my dream. And so, I must begin this journey by studying hard, and especially, paying extra attention to subjects such as mathematics and home economics.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Un-Model Essays 2009: My Best Friend V2
Everyone needs a friend. My best friend is Ninny Ning Kom Pok. She is short and round with small eyes that squint through rose-tinted glasses. She loves to laugh, and her loud guffaw can often be heard throughout the school.
Ninny enjoys reading. Her favourite book is “100 Model Essays For School”. That is also my favourite book. We often sit together to discuss the various essays. One of our conclusions is that the authors of model essays only befriend smart people. This is because we have noticed that essays of “My Best Friend” always give descriptions of top achievers in class that help all the students with their homework.
Neither Ninny nor I fall into this category, but we are still best friends. She is always there for me to share in my joys and sorrows, and to help me when I am in need, as I am for her. I am very lucky to have Ninny for a friend.
Ninny enjoys reading. Her favourite book is “100 Model Essays For School”. That is also my favourite book. We often sit together to discuss the various essays. One of our conclusions is that the authors of model essays only befriend smart people. This is because we have noticed that essays of “My Best Friend” always give descriptions of top achievers in class that help all the students with their homework.
Neither Ninny nor I fall into this category, but we are still best friends. She is always there for me to share in my joys and sorrows, and to help me when I am in need, as I am for her. I am very lucky to have Ninny for a friend.
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