Mon's Space - The Search For A Perfect Space

Foxglove

2010-06-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

Mrs Tan Goes Driving

2010-06-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

Mrs Tan had not driven for a very long time. Like many before her, she had gotten a driving license but hadn’t driven after that because she was scared. As she always said to Mr Tan, “They go too fast!” In vain did Mr Tan explain to her that 80kmph was not “too fast”.

“You also go too fast!” was her usual response. Nevertheless, she kept her licence renewed on Mr Tan’s advice.

One day, much to her dismay, she had to go to a function at a time that Mr Tan would be away on a business trip. Mr Tan didn’t want her to take a taxi as the function would finish late and he worried for her safety. There was nothing for it but to drive on her own.

Mrs Tan needed to practise and so every day, Mr and Mrs Tan went out driving. The first day, Mrs Tan stalled the car.

It happened at the traffic lights – they had just turned green and Mrs Tan was carefully putting the car in gear when an impatient honk sounded from behind. She got flustered and with a nasty jerk, the car stalled. At that, she got even more flustered and started mumbling to herself, but Mr Tan calmly got her to start the car again and all went well for the rest of the practice session.

The next day, Mrs Tan drove down the Federal highway. She drove slowly and carefully. It was with great difficulty that Mr Tan managed to coax her to drive a bit faster at 60kmph but she would go no faster than that.

In fact, even at that speed, she kept worrying that she was going too fast and braked every five seconds. Mr Tan began to get quite carsick after a while and worked in earnest to wean her off this habit. And so the second day passed.

On the third day, Mrs Tan felt more confident. She got past the traffic lights without stalling; she drove down the road without braking every five seconds; as a matter of fact, she was beginning to enjoy herself and even considered driving a bit faster at 80kmph!!

With a recklesss look in her eyes, she pressed the accelerator down. The speedometer crept to 65… then 70… then 75… and then she noticed the tractor ahead. Mr Tan told her to overtake but she panicked! There were so many cars on the next lane! Oh, she couldn’t do it! She just couldn’t!

The car went slower and slower, as Mrs Tan diverted her attention to looking for an opportunity to overtake. Before she knew it, they were trundling behind the tractor at 40kmph with no chance of overtaking. Mr Tan had long given up and was resignedly watching the traffic go by. They got home half an hour later that day.

On the fourth day, Mrs Tan was ready for the practice drive to the function hall. She was in high spirits. She felt as if she was finally getting the hang of it! In addition, she had on her new white driving gloves and arm protectors to keep her sensitive skin from being sunburned.

“Fasten your seatbelts,” she said to Mr Tan and her imaginary passengers as they set off. Today, she felt relaxed enough to turn on the radio. It seemed to be broken as she couldn’t hear anything. Unperturbed, Mrs Tan turned up the volume to Very Loud. “Ha. Now can hear,” she said.

She didn’t see Mr Tan holding both hands over his ears and quietly reaching for the knob to turn down the volume. She only noticed that the music had become softer and wiggled her little finger in her ear to clear it. It came out covered in earwax, which she wiped off on the door.

And so the day of the function arrived. Mrs Tan was all alone. She set out two hours early just in case. Now that Mr Tan was not by her side, she was very nervous. She talked to herself all the time she was in the car.

“Ok, you can do it. You can do it. Ok, put the car in gear. Ha, like that. Go slow, go slow, got traffic lights. Aiyaaa, careful that car. Ok, faster faster a bit, we need to go right lane now. Aaah!” Mrs Tan let forth a string of expletives as a car cut in front of her suddenly.

She moved back to the left lane as soon as possible where she felt safe and drove slowly. A few lorries overtook her. Much later, the function hall came into view. Mrs Tan breathed a sigh of relief. She signalled right as cars piled up behind her patiently waiting for her to turn right. 500m later, she turned left instead into the entrance, and wondered why she heard so many angry honks behind her.

She had made it! Now she only had to park. It was a big parking lot. Mrs Tan drove and drove until she found a space where she could drive straight in. It was right at the end, but she didn’t mind the distance. As there was still time and no one watching, she reversed and readjusted the car three times before she was satisfied.

Mrs Tan did a little victory chant and patted herself on the back. Then she got out of the car and found to her utmost disappointment, that after her careful readjustments, the car was now parked at a terribly crooked angle. Mrs Tan sighed and thought to herself, “Nevermind lah, I guess people will think I’m rushing just now…”

Since that day, Mrs Tan has been much braver and driven more and more. However, she still does not dare to park. If she has to drive somewhere where she foresees difficulty in parking, she selects one of three options:
1) Park far, far away.
2) Take a bus.
3) Don’t go.

The Tans - 3041 Years In The Future

2010-06-21T07:24:00.000-07:00

The year was 5050. The descendents of the Tan Family had survived the many disasters and catastrophes that Earth had gone through, and lived to bear the name of Tan proudly into the 51st century.

And so, one gloriously sunny day in 5050, the Tan Family woke up to the jolly chirping of the birds. Mrs Tan was down first. She was the fastest to get dressed ever since her husband had got her her wardrobe assistant for Christmas. This was a smart little gadget that would randomly piece together the clothes in her cupboard to create a smart, tasteful outfit. All Mrs Tan had to do was to press a button, and follow the advice of the wardrobe assistant. She no longer had to sit on her bed and stare at her cupboard for hours, trying to decide what to wear.

Once downstairs, she clapped her hands in a special sequence. The tea-maker came on and started to make tea. She then put some special dough mixture into the super-speed-bread-maker. In 10 minutes time, she was in the rooftop garden putting out hot chamomile tea and fresh hot rolls on the breakfast table. Ah Boy and Ah Girl were already there, looking to see which fresh fruit they could pluck from the many kinds of fruit trees they grew there. Mr Tan came last, yawning as he walked towards the table. He sat in his chair and turned on the hologram screen where he read the latest news.

It was a public holiday so Mr Tan did not have to go to work that day, and the children didn't have to go to school. While Mr Tan sat calmly, sipping his morning tea and reading the news, Ah Boy and Ah Girl finished their breakfast in a jiffy and ran downstairs to "do homework". They did take out their featherlight laptops that they brought to school. However, homework was the last thing on their agenda as they started playing computer games.

When breakfast was over, Mrs Tan collected the plates to put them in the dishwasher, and set the table to 'autoclean'. Then she ran to watch her online soap opera, answer emails and tend her virtual farm.

Around lunchtime, the Tans piled into Mr Tan's solar-powered car and went out for lunch and grocery shopping. But before that, they had to go to the optician's. In this day and age, opticians could be found on every corner, because, with the advancement in computers and technology, nearly everyone fell victim to short-sightedness and had to wear glasses.

Some things hadn't changed in more than 3000 years - the kids still hankered for McDonalds. And so McDonalds it was for lunch. Ah Boy was at the display case looking at the Happy Meal toys when a little boy rudely pushed his way in front of him. Ah Boy was furious, but nobody was looking except the boy’s mother who stared vacantly in his direction. Just then, she turned away. Ah Boy swiftly tripped the boy up, and then with unprecedented concern, helped him up again, smacking the boy as hard as he could, under the pretence of patting down his clothes. It was well-executed and Ah Boy came off as the hero of the day.

Ah Girl wasn't so lucky. They had gone straight to the supermarket after lunch, and she was trying to get a packet of crisps that was right at the back of the shelf. It was an accident waiting to happen. With a crash, all the crisps fell down. Quick as lightning, Ah Girl snatched the crisps she was looking for and scuttled away like a frightened rabbit. Ah Boy was standing some way away, but instead of helping to put the crisps back, he just stood there and guffawed, until Ah Girl sneaked up from behind and gave him a kick.

Finally, The Tans had bought everything they needed, and much more that they didn't need. They piled it all into their environmentally-friendly foldable trolley and headed back to the car, stopping for ice-cream on the way. Mrs Tan loved ice-cream. She lagged behind, eating hers slowly. And then, tragedy struck. Somebody rushing past knocked her elbow violently. Her ice-cream cone fell out of her hand and landed with a splat on the floor. Mrs Tan stared in disbelief at the mess on the floor that had been her highlight of the day... and then quickly ran away because she didn't want to clean up or let anybody know that it was her ice-cream they were stepping on.

And so, another day passed for the Tan Family. That night, just before they went to bed, Mrs Tan threw out the rubbish. As it was particularly foul-smelling domestic waste, she threw it into the neighbour's dustbin, then washed her hands with peach-scented handwash and went to bed.

It was a new generation, but the same old Tans.

Un-Model Essays 2009: My Best Friend V2

2009-03-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs a friend. My best friend is Ninny Ning Kom Pok. She is short and round with small eyes that squint through rose-tinted glasses. She loves to laugh, and her loud guffaw can often be heard throughout the school.

Ninny enjoys reading. Her favourite book is “100 Model Essays For School”. That is also my favourite book. We often sit together to discuss the various essays. One of our conclusions is that the authors of model essays only befriend smart people. This is because we have noticed that essays of “My Best Friend” always give descriptions of top achievers in class that help all the students with their homework.

Neither Ninny nor I fall into this category, but we are still best friends. She is always there for me to share in my joys and sorrows, and to help me when I am in need, as I am for her. I am very lucky to have Ninny for a friend.

Un-Model Essays 2009: My Best Friend V1

2009-03-21T23:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs a friend. My best friend is Minnie. She is petite. She loves to wear pink dresses and a large bow on her head. She has a pair of big beautiful eyes, a mouth that always smiles, and two large black ears.

Minnie doesn’t go to school, but I always rush home to talk to her as soon as school is over. Minnie is a good listener. She never gets bored. I always tell her everything that happens in class and even though I sometimes complain, Minnie never criticises me.

I am very happy to have Minnie as my friend. My parents have told me many times that Minnie is not real and that I should try to make some real friends. But Minnie Mouse and I, we know better.

Un-Model Essays 2008: Minutes Of A Meeting

2009-03-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

Date: 30 Feb 2008
Venue: Store room

Minutes Of The 3rd Meeting Of The Kuen Cheng Co-Ed High School Special Needs Society

Present:

Xiao Ming President
Ah Nan Secretary
Ah Bu Treasurer
Ah Hah
Ah Choo
Ah Boo Den

Mdm Gooi Teacher-in-charge

Attendance

Attendance was taken and the meeting was called to order at 3pm by President Xiao Ming.

Minutes Of The Previous Meeting

The minutes of the previous meeting were read by Secretary Ah Nan. No amendments were made and the minutes were proposed to be passed by Ah Hah, and seconded by Ah Choo.

Treasurer's Report

The Treasurer's Report was read out by Treasurer Ah Bu. The Society has a total of RM888.88 in funds.

Ah Boo Den commented that the figure was a very auspicious one. Teacher-in-charge Mdm Gooi agreed and explained that she had allocated this figure for the society as she was the headmistress and could manipulate things in her own interest.

Book Corner

President Xiao Ming announced that the School Library had donated Peter and Jane Books (Reading Levels 1 - 3) to the Society's Book Corner under orders from Teacher-in-charge and headmistress Mdm Gooi.

Ah Hah and Ah Choo were told to volunteer to be in charge of the book corner, where they would keep the books in order and ensure that they were accounted for at all times. Mdm Gooi explained that she had insisted on both a boy and a girl for this post, because one without the other would lead to mental disturbances in the individual.

Tardiness

President Xiao Ming noted that members were still coming late for meetings despite repeated reminders.

Treasurer Ah Bu informed the meeting that this was in fact because the members could not find their way to the meeting room and many of them had approached him to record their grievances.

Secretary Ah Nan suggested that a pocket map giving directions from the quadrangle to the broom cupboard be distributed amongst the members.

Ah Boo Den supported this idea and suggested that directions to the toilet be included, as the consequences would be unpleasant if members got lost on the way there.

Teacher-in-charge Mdm Gooi told Xiao Ming to prepare this map and submit it to her. She would get it printed in colour on glossy paper and personalise each copy with the members' names.

Trip To Crab Island

President Xiao Ming proposed that the Society's annual trip be made to Crab Island this year.

All were in favour of this proposal and Secretary Ah Nan was given the task of organising the trip.

AOB

As there were no further matters to be discussed, the meeting was adjourned at 3.30pm. The members proceeded to the Headmistress's Office for tea and scones.

Minutes prepared by,

Ah Nan

Honorary Secretary
Special Needs Society
Kuen Cheng Co-Ed High School

Un-Model Essays 2008: Describe A Journey You Made Recently

2009-03-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

During the recent school holidays, the Kuen Cheng Co-Ed High School Special Needs Society, of which I am honorary secretary, organised a trip to Crab Island. We met in front of the jetty at noon, when the sun was highest in the sky, and waited for the ferry.

It wasn't long before the ferry came. I watched open-mouthed as boxes upon boxes of goods and a coffin came off the boat. We all rushed to board as soon as we were allowed to, but because we were pushing each other, Xiao Ming, our president, nearly fell into the sea.

As soon as I stepped in the ferry, I began to feel claustrophobic. It was a low-ceilinged affair with cracked and tinted windows that were stained with seawater, such that only a hazy view of the outside world was permitted. I carefully sat myself down on one of the well-worn seats. It was lucky I did because the seat tipped gently to one side and I was just able to stop myself from falling off.

I shifted to the left and the chair steadied. It was then that I caught a whiff of stale urine, presumably coming from a toilet at the back of the boat. Mosquito fogging makes me itch all over, but the smell of urine doesn't. Therefore I forgot about it and the Hokkien karaoke playing at the front of the boat soon had all my attention.

It was karaoke such as I had never seen before. All the songs featured two lovely ladies, one young lady and one motherly figure. The young lady was supposed to be a young man, while the motherly figure was supposed to be a coy young woman. The motherly figure rather overdid her part and was too coy for her age though. It made me shudder.

I turned away and looked out of the murky windows. To my surprise, acres and acres of mangrove swamp was rushing past. I had always pictured Crab Island as a picturesque island shaped like a crab in the middle of a sapphire blue sea. I never realised that it was actually mangrove area. Nevertheless, mangrove is quite pretty when you come to look at it.

Just as I was thinking poetic thoughts about the scenery outwith, I was startled by a jolt that almost made me fall off the chair again. I looked behind. That stupid Xiao Ming was kicking my chair. I slapped him on the head and shouted at him. It's what we always do during Society meetings. Xiao Ming blinked at me though inch-thick horn-rimmed glasses and guffawed in a retarded manner. I joined in and promptly fell off the broken chair.

A minute later, we arrived at our destination and pushed our way off the boat. All in all it had been an excellent experience. We all felt that the 7 dollar one-way boat fare had been well worth it.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: Autobiography Of A Dustbin

2009-03-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Where I come from and how I come to be, I know not. As long as I can remember, I have been standing among my other dustbin friends in front of a block of student residences. We are all identical; large, green, and rectangular, with two wheels, a handle, and a lid on a hinge. Come wind, rain or sunshine, we do not flinch but stand firm and steady, always ready to carry out our duties.

Every day, students come to us to dispose of their daily refuse. Sometimes they put their large black bin bags in me, and sometimes in my friends, but on the whole we are all equally utilised. There have also been times when they have pushed some of us down the grassy slope just for fun. I am fortunate enough to have escaped this ill-treatment so far, but I have often watched in horror as my friends fell flat on their faces with their lids hanging open and their contents spilling out in a very undignified manner. It always saddens me to see any of my colleagues – good, respectable dustbins – treated like this.

Every other day, a dustbin truck trundles up the road to collect the rubbish from us. I always look forward to this occasion as I get to hang upside down from the bar of the rubbish truck and watch all the rubbish inside me tumble out. It is such fun! I am lucky not to be afraid of heights like some of my friends. They do not have much fun. In fact, on a bad day, they might turn positively green and feel ill for hours afterward.

We also have another frequent visitor. It is an old man. He comes to us to see if we have any food in us that he may share. Once, he had just taken out a quarter of a loaf of bread, half a bottle of milk and a tub with the last dredges of sandwich filler, when in a fit of mischief, my neighbour tried to shut his lid on the old man’s hand. I was very upset and scolded him straight away. Fortunately the old man was not hurt and he limped away with his findings. My heart went out to him as I watched him go; I suspected the bread was mouldy, the milk sour, and the sandwich filler gone off.

Not long after this occasion, two black-haired girls left a clear plastic bag with some food in it on top of me and scuttled off. The old man was nearby but he did not take the bag. I suppose he had pride too, and did not like to be pitied. Or perhaps he sensed the girls peeking from the window and felt embarrassed, although I knew they meant well.

And so each day passes. Seasons come and go; flowers bloom and wither. The students are different each year, yet we do not change. I am content with my job and content where I am; until the day I am retired, it is there that I shall stand.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: A Day In The Life Of A Window-Cleaner

2009-03-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

Every morning, Mr Winder gets up before the break of dawn. He swallows a quick breakfast of herbal tea and fruit before setting off to work in his white van with the words “Winder-Cleaner” painted on the side in big bold blue letters. As the sole window-cleaner of the university’s Halls of Residence, Mr Winder is invaluable. It is fortunate for them that he is so diligent.

Mr Winder arrives at the Halls very early. In consideration for the sleeping residents, he quietly lets himself into each unit to clean the kitchen and living room windows. Sometimes he is mistaken for a burglar but these occasions are few and far between. He then lets himself out as quietly as he came in and proceeds in this fashion until he has cleaned twenty units. It is then time for his tea break.

Mr Winder sits back in his van and puts his feet up on the steering wheel. He holds a coffee in one hand and a sandwich in the other. With half-lidded eyes, he watches the world go by. Soon, his tea break is over and he rouses himself to go back to work. Now, he must go back to all the twenty units and clean the bedroom windows. It is an exciting event, especially if the room belongs to a girl, as they are usually far too particular about cleanliness.

Mr Winder puts on his leather pouch and tips some soapy water into it. He slips a rather dirty-looking cloth into one of the pockets. Now, armed with his trusty sponge and wiper, he is ready for the bedroom windows. The first room he comes to is lived in by a girl.

As usual, the girl wrinkles up her nose as he walks in. He supposes it is an overreaction to the cloud of cigarette smoke that hangs about him. He gives her what he hopes is a winning smile and steps into her room. He takes her chair from her desk as per company protocol and places it with great care and precision right below the window.

He opens the window as wide as possible then climbs on the chair with his sturdy boots. He wipes the window once with the sponge that he has dipped into soapy water. Next, he wipes it off with the wiper. At this point, the soapy water has usually dripped onto the floor or anything nearby such as a jacket. This is, however, of little importance to Mr Winder as it does not interfere with the cleanliness of the window.

Nevertheless, to keep the girl happy, he attempts to mop up any water that has dripped on her chair with his cloth. When he is finished, he says “all right, love” and moves on to the next room. Behind him the sound of a vacuum cleaner ensues. This is usually followed by running water and the sound of a cloth being wrung.

After much hard work, Mr Winder finishes cleaning all the bedrooms in the twenty units. In keeping with his thrifty nature, he has managed to clean all hundred and twenty windows without changing the water once. He is now tired and looking forward to a hot dinner and an evening of telly then an early bed. The next day, he shall have another twenty units to clean.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: How To Make A Ham Sandwich

2009-03-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

Making a ham sandwich is easy, and can be very cheap as well. To do this, you will need a slice of bread, sandwich spread, some ham, a few leaves of lettuce, and half a tomato. The bread can be obtained free from the dustbin if you know somebody who throws away the crust.

First, toast the bread. If you don’t have a toaster, you can put the bread on a clean, old aluminium pie tray, and grill it on the highest heat. When one side is crisp, turn it over and grill the other side. Do not use your hand unless you have iron fingers. Make sure you keep an eye on the bread as it gets burnt very easily when grilled in this way.

Next, cut the tomato into slices of 5mm thickness. (You may use a ruler or measuring tape, but it is not necessary.) This is best done on a plate or a chopping board rather than a bowl or that very dirty place next to the sink. Use a sharp knife for this as the skin of the tomato does not cut well with blunt knives. Do not cut yourself. Pull off a few leaves of lettuce and wash them thoroughly. If you only take one or two leaves, they might not be missed. However, if you go for extremes with greens and go for four or five leaves, it is best to buy your own lettuce.

After this, spread some sandwich spread on the toast. You may use the same knife that you sliced the tomato with so as to save water, soap and extra labour. Do not go overboard with the sandwich spread as you may feel as if you are eating nothing but sandwich spread if you do. Then, take out as much ham as will go unnoticed and place it neatly on the toast. Again, if you like to eat a lot of ham, you should buy your own box. Very cheap ‘value’ ham is obtainable, but bear in mind the old adage, “good thing no cheap; cheap thing no good”.

Now, arrange the tomato slices on top of the ham and finish with the lettuce leaves on the top. At this juncture, it must be explained that although termed a ham sandwich, the second slice of bread has been intentionally omitted – the ham can be sandwiched just as well between lettuce and toast. If you have followed the above instructions closely, you should now have a delicious ham sandwich.

Un-Model Essays 2005/6: Spring Cleaning

2009-03-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Every year, when a special occasion arises, we carry out a major clean up of the house. This time, the annual spot check was just around the corner, motivating us to do a spot of spring-cleaning.

We started early in the morning, each of us selecting a different job. Em and Hil took the kitchen and living room while May took the bathroom. I picked the toilet. May turned on the radio to give us some music as we worked and we scrubbed away merrily.

I took to my job enthusiastically, scrubbing hard at the sink and the toilet bowl. They were soon sparkling white but the mosaic floor still stared at me dully, with black smudges between its white cracks. I contemplated it a moment, then rolled up my sleeves and set to it with brushes of various shapes and sizes and a cup of diluted multi-purpose cleaning liquid.

After about an hour of hard work, the floor was finally as spotless as I could manage. I looked at it with pride then got the mop and mopped up all the soap water as there was no drainage hole. I mopped it again with clean water for thoroughness sake, and then had a peek at the rest of the house.

Lo and behold, they had worked wonders. Em and Hil especially, with their inborn tidiness had made the living room spick-and-span. We beamed at each other happily and then I went to prepare my room for the inspection.

This was done rapidly as I shoved everything into the cupboard and under the bed. “Out of sight, out of mind,” I said to myself and proceeded to vacuum the room. When I had finished, I cast my eye over my handiwork and felt a sense of fulfilment surge within me. It had altogether been a fruitful morning.

The Tans Go To The Annual Forum On House Lizards (By Invitation Only)

2008-12-09T23:44:00.000-08:00

Perhaps, because opposites attract, Mr Tan was as fond of lizards as Mrs Tan was phobic about them. And so it was that when an invitation to the Annual Forum On House Lizards (By Invitation Only) came in the post, Mr Tan screamed for joy, because it was a prestigious honour to be invited; while Mrs Tan merely screamed, because the invitation card had a lifelike picture of a house lizard on it.

The NGO (Naturist's Gecko Organisation), which had organised the forum understood the need for family togetherness, and thus had designed a programme for the family as well. There was therefore no question about it. The Tans were to go to the Annual Forum On House Lizards (By Invitation Only).

The day of the forum dawned bright and sunny with bright blue skies and fluffy white clouds. It was a beautiful day in November. Mrs Tan sighed to think that she would have to spend it indoors talking about what she feared most. However, love was about sacrifice, and she did love her husband. The memory of his indescribable pride and joy on being chosen to attend the forum almost made up for her missing this day.

When they arrived at the venue, the forum was already in full swing. The exhibits were up, the breakfast was ready, and participants thronged the hall. Mr & Mrs Tan brought Ah Boy and Ah Girl to the Children's Activity Room and got them settled in. Then they went to the lecture rooms where the talks would be held. Mr Tan asked his wife over and over again whether she was sure she wouldn't rather join the spouse programme, but she was adamant that she would accompany him.

Renowned speakers from all over the world had been invited to this event. Mr Tan sat enraptured. He took pages and pages of notes with the free pen and notebook that he had received from the organisers. In the meantime, Mrs Tan surreptitiously pocketed all the sweets and slipped all the water in her bag, as well as all the pencils and notepaper. After all, if it's free…

After staring blankly at the speaker for a while, she reached for one of the pencils and a sheet of paper. Once upon a time, Mrs Tan had taken art lessons and had learnt the basics of drawing a face. Today, for the first time in a long time, she was inspired to draw. Surprisingly, the portrait turned out fairly well. She did a few more, and by the time it was lunch, she had captured the likeness of most of the speakers. As she sat back and observed her handiwork, she noticed that strangely, most of the speakers' faces resembled lizards.

Lunch was a buffet. Mr and Mrs Tan picked up the children from the Activity Room and went together to the dining hall. They piled their plates high with food and took a bowl of soup, a plate of salad, and a small plate of dessert, each. They sat at a table for eight because a smaller table would not hold their 12 plates and 4 bowls.

All through lunch, Ah Boy and Ah Girl chattered nineteen to the dozen. They told their parents all about the documentaries they had watched, the games they had played, the T-shirts they had printed and the plaster lizards they had painted. Mr Tan listened politely while Mrs Tan took no notice and concentrated hard on her food instead. Chew, chew, chew, and swallow. Chew, chew, chew, and swallow.

After lunch, the kids went back to the Activity Room and Mr and Mrs Tan returned to the lecture hall. Lo and behold, they had replenished the sweets! The sweets were Mentos this time. Full of glee, Mrs Tan quietly took out her half-filled box of Mentos dragees. She removed the sweets from their wrappers one by one and filled the box to the brim, then buttoned it neatly into her handbag pocket. It wasn't as if she didn't have enough sweets – she still had a large value pack that she had bought from the hypermarket 6 months ago – it was because she lived by her maxim of "if it's free, take more (even though you don't need it)".

As expected, everyone's eyelids were heavy after the sumptuous meal. Mrs Tan slapped herself to keep awake and looked around to see how many nodding heads she could count. One man caught her eye. He sat inconspicuously in a corner, his head drooping on his chest; his glasses slipping off his nose. Just as she started to draw him, the speaker said, "In summary…", and the man looked up. However, the speaker, instead of summarizing, droned on for another quarter of an hour during which the man fell asleep again.

Mrs Tan finished her sketch as the talk concluded. After a brief silence, somebody stood up to ask a question. To Mrs Tan's surprise, it was the man in the corner! She quite expected him to ask a stupid question that would show he wasn't paying attention, but a swift glance at her thoughtfully-nodding husband told her otherwise. She looked back, and began to giggle. The man's glasses had slipped off completely and hung just under his nose such that it seemed as if his nostrils were looking through the glasses. She whispered to Mr Tan, "I got one question… what is his nose looking at?" and then collapsed into giggles.

The forum ended and tea was served. Mrs Tan was still full from lunch, but the mouth-watering smell of pies and pastries was too much for her to resist. She took one of everything, and when Mr Tan went to pick up the children from the Activity Room, she held back and packed two of everything to take home in the spare Reader's Digest Magazine plastic that she always kept handy in her handbag.

A happy silence lay over the Tan Family as Mr Tan drove home at a leisurely pace of 60kmph to save petrol. They had all enjoyed themselves very much today. Mr Tan, needless to say had enjoyed talking about nothing but house lizards all day; Ah Boy and Ah Girl had had an extremely fun-filled day with lots of activities; and Mrs Tan... well, Mrs Tan never said 'no' to free food. Besides, she had indeed had a very entertaining day. For weeks after, she would say to Mr Tan, “I got one question… what is his nose looking at?” and then collapse into giggles all over again.

The Tans Take A Tourist Around Town

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

If you stood in a crowd and threw a stone, you would hit somebody whose relatives had emigrated to Australia. The Tan Family were no exception. One day, they received an email from such a relative saying that an acquaintance of his was on his way to Thailand from Singapore and would stop by in KL and could they show him around? The Tans, being hospitable like all Malaysians, immediately wrote back to say they would be happy to do so.

On the day itself, The Tans arrived bright and early outside KL Sentral station to pick up Dennis, their relative’s friend.

“Hello Lenis,” chirped Mrs Tan. “I am Mrs Tan and this is Mr Tan, Ah Boy and Ah Girl.”

“Hello,” he said, “I’m Dennis. Pleased to meet you.”

“Hello Uncle Lenis,” chorused Ah Boy and Ah Girl.

“Uh, it’s Dennis, with a D, as in Dog? And Doctor?”

“Lok?” said Ah Boy. “Loktor?” said Ah Girl.

“Uh, not quite… uh, DEN-nis.”

“TEN-nis,” said all the Tans together, as if repeating a lesson.

Dennis gave up and smiled brightly at them, “Yes, so where to now?”

“Breakfast,” said Mr Tan. “You must be hungry.”

“Absolutely.” said Dennis grinning, “Famished.”

They piled in the car and drove to the roti canai shop. Dennis was amazed by the skill of the men tossing the roti canai and aerating the teh tarik. And when the food was served, he was amazed by how delicious the food was!

During the meal, the Tans learned of Dennis’s love of butterflies, and so they took him to the Butterfly Park after breakfast. The Butterfly Park was filled with butterflies of all colours and shapes and sizes. Dennis was in the seventh heaven of delight and he took as many photos as he could. In the meantime, the rest strolled leisurely through the park, ooh-ing and aah-ing at the pretty butterflies. Mrs Tan stood out like a sore thumb however, because she inched her way along the path, ducking and dodging whenever a butterfly flew past. When one suddenly settled on her shoulder, she shrieked and clutched at Mr Tan, giving Dennis such a fright he nearly dropped his camera.

Their next destination was Crab Island. The journey to Crab Island was long and on the way Dennis managed to catch a few glimpses of Malaysian life. He loved the ease with which people of so many different colours and cultures lived and worked together; he marvelled at the highways that criss-crossed each other; he was surprised to see the number of people who swept fallen leaves into the drain; and was amused to find that what he thought was a dumping ground at first, actually had a sign hidden among the rubbish that read, “No dumping allowed. RM5000 fine”.

After some time, they reached the jetty. Crab Island could only be reached by boat, and so they climbed aboard the first ferry they saw. The journey was fairly long – 40 minutes to an hour – and so the ferry captain provided the passengers with entertainment in the form of Hokkien karaoke. Mrs Tan liked the idea. She said it was good value for money.

Before they knew it, they had arrived on the island. The first thing they noticed was the complete absence of car and motorcycle exhaust fumes. Mr Tan breathed in deeply. Dennis followed suit… and then staggered backwards, overwhelmed by the strong smell of fish. Without further ado, they proceeded to lunch at the first restaurant they saw.

The Tans wanted to give Dennis a treat, so they ordered lots of dishes; crab, prawn, fish, fish balls, local vegetables, even fried cockles! Ah Girl was in a talkative mood that day. When the fish balls came, she said, “Uncle Len… err… TEN-nis, this are call fish ball. It are ball of the fish.” Dennis misunderstood her and his face turned pale. He didn’t think he was able to stomach fish testicles, so he surreptitiously left it at the side of the plate, hidden behind the rice.

Other than that and the fried cockles, which he only took a bit of because the grey ooey-gooey-ness of it scared him away, Dennis enjoyed lunch tremendously. He especially liked the local vegetables that had been cooked so deliciously he wondered why he had ever objected to greens. He also enjoyed the crab. He had never experienced hammering away at cooked crab with pieces of shell flying everywhere. Somehow it made the crab taste better!

After lunch, they had a little walk around the village. It was a lovely little village. All the houses were on stilts and there were little walkways everywhere. There were even mini speed bumps on some of them to prevent speeding bicycles. Right at one end of the village, there was a beautiful view of mangroves. It was a tranquil sight and Dennis stood there for a while, just taking in the view. On their way back to the jetty, he noticed a skeleton of a boat in the water. “That boat is either unfinished, or quite finished!” he remarked, then laughed at his own joke. The Tans didn’t understand at all so Mr and Mrs Tan laughed politely while Ah Boy and Ah Girl carried on counting rats.

During the long journey home, Dennis told them about his travels. He had been around Indonesia before going to Singapore and he told them about how beautiful he had found the place. Unfortunately, he got cheated by the locals and even managed to witness a gang fight. He also told them about how he found Singapore impressive because it was so clean and tidy and the citizens were so law-abiding. Just then, a Singaporean car shot past them at a clearly illegal speed. As it sped off into the distance, the window came down and a ball of tissue was thrown out.

Before long, they reached Kuala Lumpur and Mr Tan drove to their residential pasar malam – the night market. There was more food! Dennis was shocked at the sheer variety of things sold there. There were vegetables and fish and fruit; clothes and shoes and knick-knacks; snacks and desserts and whole meals. The place was filled with people from every walk of life, most of them with children in pyjamas and foreign domestic helpers trailing behind. Dennis’s eye was caught by the DVD stall. The lanky youth with unnaturally yellow, spiky hair running the stall nodded at him and said, “All DVDs clear. We copy from Australia.” Then in a conspiratorial tone, “You want the special shows?” Before he could answer, Mr Tan nudged him and muttered, “Better not.”

By this time Mrs Tan had finished her weekly pasar malam shopping. She came up carrying bags of food and a packet of fried chicken for Dennis as he had mentioned in the course of the day that he liked fried chicken. Their next stop was the famous Petronas Twin Towers that Dennis had heard so much about and desired to see. He was suitably impressed by the two beautiful towers that rose to a majestic height of 452 metres and were joined by a bridge halfway up. The brilliantly lit towers standing out against the night sky made an enchanting sight that left a lasting impression on Dennis. He took plenty of photos before he reluctantly agreed that they needed to leave for the bus station.

Like all good things, Dennis’s sojourn in KL had come to an end. As he sat in the bus eating fried chicken, he thought of the lovely time he had had and the lovely people he had met. Malaysia was a great place. They had a lovely climate, a welcoming atmosphere, and the people were so generous and kind-hearted. Not once had the Tans allowed him to pay for anything, whether it was the entrance fee to the butterfly farm, the ferry ride to Crab Island, or any of the meals they ate. He leant back and sighed contentedly. He would definitely come back here again. As the bus trundled on to his next destination, Dennis fell asleep wondering why so many Malaysians wanted to leave Malaysia – it seemed quite unpatriotic of them.

When Ah Girl Cleaned Out Her Cupboard

2008-07-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

One day, Ah Girl was cleaning out her cupboard when she came across her old toys - a skipping rope made out of rubber bands, a decorated ice-cream stick and a decorated eraser, as well as five tiny cushions filled with rice. As she looked at these treasures in her hands, she felt as if she was being whirled back in time to her primary school days...

"1, 2, 3, 4" chanted the girls as two of them swung the rope made out of rubber bands while a third girl skipped inside. A little way away another girl was jumping in and out of a rubber band rope in complicated patterns, while her two friends held it for her. Further on from them a third set of girls were playing high jump, skilfully using the elasticity of the rope to their advantage. Little Ah Girl sat alone under a tree. Nobody ever invited her to join and she never asked herself. Nevertheless, she knew every game by heart and practiced on her own at home.

"4, 3, 2, 1," she counted down under her breath. Brrring! The bell rang for the beginning of school. There was a mad rush as the children raced each other back to their classrooms. As they waited for the teacher to come, they got out their erasers and ice-cream sticks. It was a simple game; easy to play. The children played it with either erasers or ice-cream sticks. The aim of the game was to see who could 'eat' the other's stick or eraser, meaning the winner was the one whose eraser or stick landed over his opponent's.

Little Ah Girl was not so good with the eraser; she had clumsy fingers and couldn't flip the eraser skilfully so that it would land on her opponent's. With the stick, however, she was a champion in her own right. In the more unhygienic ice-cream stick game, only skillful spitting was required as touching the stick was not allowed. "P-uh, p-uh, p-uh". Little Ah Girl was very good at manoeuvring her stick by just angling her "p-uh"-ing direction. In three "p-uh"s, she had usually won the game.

Lessons started. Whenever the children were bored, they would play weiqi* with each other. Instead of a board and stones, they used only different-coloured pens and a sheet of paper with very small squares on it, torn out from a math exercise book. Little Ah Girl didn't like this game; she preferred to play noughts and crosses against herself. She was truly a sight to behold when she did this, however, because she would grin with delight when she won, and a split second later scowl because it inevitably meant that she had also lost. Of course, this made her very conspicuous, but as she was good at her lessons, her teacher usually let her be.

At recess time, while the children ran out to play, Little Ah Girl stayed back in class. She took out her lunchbox and her five tiny cushions filled with rice - what they called five stones or batu sembilan - and sat in quiet bliss throwing and catching them in various pre-set patterns. She had already played one round with her right hand, and was just beginning with her left...

... when her mother's voice, calling her from downstairs, broke in on her reverie. "Ah Girl ah? You finish cleaning or not? Lunch is ready!"

"Ya, ya, coming, coming!" she called back. She carefully put her treasures away into an old mooncake tin and hurriedly stuffed it back in the cupboard, then rushed downstairs for lunch.

*an ancient chinese game, more famously known as the Japanese game of go.

Un-Model Essay 2008: Xiao Ming Has To Wear Glasses

2008-06-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Xiao Ming was a handsome boy. Unfortunately, he was rather vain too. He spent hours looking at himself in the mirror and complimenting himself on his good looks. One day, he played the part of a bespectacled boy in a school play. As the audience filed out of the auditorium, he overheard a snatch of conversation: “my, but didn’t that boy look good in glasses..”

Xiao Ming swelled with pride. From that day onwards, he did his best to spoil his eyesight. He did his homework in dimly-lit conditions, he lay down on the bed to read, he sat very close to the television while watching cartoons, and spent the afternoons playing computer games instead of playing football like he used to. At first, his mother gently admonished him, but her advice fell on deaf ears. After that, like so many mothers today, she merely shrugged her shoulders and said, “What can I do? He doesn’t want to listen.” And left it at that.

Not surprisingly, Xiao Ming’s vision deteriorated. Soon he couldn’t see more than a few metres ahead and had to copy from his neighbour as he couldn’t see the writing on the blackboard. When he walked into the door by accident one day, his mother hurried him to the optician. There, Xiao Ming was fitted with glasses that had a power of 1000 for both eyes. His mother then moaned that glasses nowadays were so expensive.

The next day, Xiao Ming wore his glasses proudly to school. It was quite nice to be able to see where he was going for a change. He took out his pencil sharpener a dozen times a day so he could look at himself on the mirror attached to it. After school, he made a detour to the photo shop to have his photo taken as a commemoration of this great occasion.

Much to his chagrin however, nobody complimented him on his new look. His mother merely said several times a week, “I told you so many times but you never listened. Now I have to spend so much money on glasses for you.” His father said, “Oh, are you wearing glasses nowadays?” then rushed off to work. His classmates said, “Wow, your glasses are so thick! You’ve really spoilt your eyes, haven’t you!”

As the novelty wore off, Xiao Ming began to find his glasses a cumbersome liability. He regretted his foolishness in spoiling his eyes. He resolved never to behave so rashly again and set about finding books on eyesight improvement.

Mrs Tan And The Old Wives' Tales

2008-06-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

One day, as Mrs Tan rummaged through a pile of old books and papers her neighbour had given her to throw out, she came upon a dusty, yellowed book entitled, "Old Wives' Tales For Old Wives". It was a short publication and Mrs Tan read it from cover to cover. As a consequence, she came away with her head full of old wives' tales which she implicitly believed.

The next day, Mrs Tan bought a compass. She checked which way the house was facing and was relieved to find that it wasn't North. While she was outside she suddenly noticed though, to her shock and horror, that the number of her house was 84! Mrs Tan wasted no time. With the help of double-sided tape and a piece of A4 paper, she covered up the offending number with a sign that read 83A.

Then she went to the shops to buy a pineapple because it symbolised good luck, and a pomelo because she just felt like eating one. She also bought *pau for Ah Boy and Ah Girl's lunch before heading home. As she walked home, pleased with her purchases, she suddenly saw a black cat crossing the road in front of her.

Mrs Tan stopped short. Her heart began to pound and her breathing came in short, sharp gasps. She stared around her wildly but there was nowhere to run to. So Mrs Tan did what she thought was the next best thing: She shut her eyes tight and repeated to herself, “No see evil, no see evil, no see evil...” Fortunately, the cat went away and she got home without further mishap.

The next thing happened while Mrs Tan was sweeping the floor. While trying not to step on the cracks, she accidentally swept her own foot with the broom. Full of dismay, Mrs Tan stared accusingly at the broom and put it away. She didn't have the heart to sweep any more. Instead, she went to the kitchen to peel off the pau skin for Ah Girl and Ah Boy. 'This was because she had heard that pau makers used to spit on or breathe over the pau skins and she wasn't taking any chances.

That afternoon, it rained just as Mr Tan was due to come home. Mrs Tan was a very good wife. She didn't want her husband to get wet opening the gate, so she opened it for him. Unfortunately, she got drenched in the process. You see, she didn't dare to open the umbrella in the house, or even in the porch, for that matter. So she stood outside the compound, opened the umbrella, and then only proceeded to open the gates wide for Mr Tan to drive straight in.

That night, Mrs Tan was sneezing violently. She had caught a cold. To make matters worse, the rest of the family seemed to be oblivious to the warnings of the old wives’ tales. This vexed her a great deal. To start with, when she went into the kitchen, she caught Ah Boy playing at helmets with the pomelo skin. She gasped and lunged at him, ripping it off his head lest he become bald. Then Ah Girl remembered she had to cut her nails because the discipline teacher was doing a spot check the next day. While she carefully clipped and filed her nails, poor Mrs Tan hid in the kitchen chewing away nervously at the hem of her skirt.

Just when she thought it was safe to come out, she heard Mr Tan whistling a merry little tune. She rushed over to where he was standing in the backyard contemplating the night skies and begged him not to whistle anymore. Mr Tan stopped whistling at once. He didn't like to see his wife looking so harassed, so he put his arm around her and tried to comfort her. Unfortunately he picked the worst possible subject. "Look at the full moon," he began, pointing as he spoke. Mrs Tan screamed and tore herself away. She ran into her room and burst into tears. Mr Tan rushed after her. In between sobs and sneezes, the story came out.

Mr Tan spent quite a long time talking to his wife. He brought her another book entitled "Don't Let Superstition Take Over Your Life" and sat with her while she read it. It was a short publication and she read it from cover to cover. At the end of it, she put down the book thoughtfully and said, "Ya hor. Maybe I go too far."

From then on, Mrs Tan was more careful about what she believed. She found that this improved her quality of life as well. However, it has to be admitted that she never ever whistled at night. Just in case.

*Pau – Chinese steamed bun with filling.

The Tans Go For A Wedding

2008-05-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

One day, the Tans were invited to a wedding. They were very excited because weddings always meant food, and the Tans loved food. The wedding was to be held at a 5-star hotel in town and according to the invitation, was to start at 7.30pm sharp. Therefore, the Tans arrived at 8pm sharp.

They congratulated the parents of the bride, a distant cousin of Mr Tan, and handed in their angpow. They then headed straight to their allotted table, which was in the furthest corner of the room. This suited them to a 'T' as they could now concentrate on the 8-course dinner ahead without having to pretend that they were listening to the speeches.

At 8.30pm, the dinner started. The lights were dimmed and everyone was standing to attention. The opening bars of a familiar wedding song started to play, and the happy couple walked in arm-in-arm.

"Yay, going to can eat already!" said Ah Girl to her brother. Ah Boy clapped his hands gleefully.

As if taking his cue, everybody began to clap as well. The groom looked around, pleased by the applause, while the bride simpered and smiled.

When everyone had settled down, the waiters marched in armed with the first course. Mrs Tan's eyes shone with delight. She loved the first course the most, with it's jellyfish, baby octopi, prawn salad and fish paste things. And then it was time for the second course - szechuan soup (shark's fin soup was too environmentally unfriendly). This was Ah Girl's favourite. As soon as it was served, she took two bowls and tried to justify herself by telling her neighbour in a loud whisper, "I don't take chicken".

Chicken was served next. Ah Girl said to the table at large, "Ok lah, I just take one." It was just as well nobody heard her because she surreptitiously took two wings, leaving none for everyone else.

In the meantime, Mrs Tan was busy with her drumstick. She worked away at it happily while the others listened to a speech going on in the background. When she had eaten up all the flesh and the cartilage and even a bit of the bone marrow, she put the bone neatly by her teacup on the pristine white tablecloth. Then, finding a piece of tendon stuck in her teeth, she picked at it with her finger and spit it out noisily, where it landed right by the side of the drumstick bone. Mrs Tan wiped her fingers demurely on her napkin and sat back just in time to catch the end of the speech.

However, her interest was short-lived. Soon she began to get bored and thought up a little game to entertain herself. In the middle of the table was a small dish of sliced pickled chillis. She would wait till somebody started to turn the lazy susan, then she would reach out and snatch a piece so that the other person would have to stop and wait for her. By the time dessert arrived, she had transferred more than half the chilli onto her plate.

Finally, the wedding came to an end. The speeches, toasts, and cake-cutting were all over. The last thing on the agenda was the symbolic throwing of the bridal bouquet. The MC called all the bachelor girls to come forward to the stage. Ah Girl turned her nose up at Ah Boy and said, "Hah, girls only!" before prancing off towards the stage. Ah Boy pulled a monkey face and raced after her.

At the stage, the bride turned away from the crowd and threw her bouquet backwards. Dozens of slim fair hands reached out, each girl hoping to be the lucky one. The bouquet fell downwards in a graceful arc; the excitement increased... and then Ah Boy came charging from behind. He boosted himself up on his sister's shoulder and leaped high into the air, catching the flowers seconds before they fell into the bridesmaid's outstretched arms.

There was just a moment of silence before Ah Girl's enraged scream rent the air. "Ah BOOOYYY!" She chased after Ah Boy, but she was no match for him, clad as she was in those high-heeled slippers that little girls wear nowadays.

Mrs Tan jumped out of her chair and rushed to intercept them. Mr Tan sneaked out to the car park as quietly as possible. The MC, thinking quick, proposed another toast to the bride and groom to distract everybody.

By the time Mr Tan drove up to the lobby, the rest of the family were waiting for him. Mrs Tan had hold of Ah Boy and Ah Girl by the ears, and they stood a little behind a big, potted plant, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

As they drove home, Mrs Tan reflected over the night's events. Altogether she had had a fun time, the food was delicious, and she had even managed to quietly pack some away for lunch the next day in the Reader's Digest Magazine plastic that she kept tucked in her handbag at all times. Mrs Tan shut her eyes and smiled. It had been a fruitful night.

The Tans Go To The Theatre

2007-11-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Mrs Tan loved The Sound of Music. She had watched it so many times that she could memorise parts of the script. Needless to say she knew every song from beginning to end. Imagine her excitement then, when Mr Tan brought home four tickets for The Sound of Music which was going to be shown at The Cultural Palace, their local theatre. At the time, Mr Tan was still debating the sensibility of buying tickets that cost 180 dollars each, but he decided it was worth it when he saw how happy Mrs Tan was.

After weeks of eager anticipation, the big day finally arrived. Mrs Tan felt in a pink mood that day, so she put on pick lipstick, pink eyeshadow and pink blusher. She chose a striking pink blouse, the type that was so pink it would lose colour when it was washed, and matched it with a white skirt dotted with pink hibiscus flowers. To complement her outfit, she wanted a pink handbag but to her dismay, she couldn’t find one. In the end, she settled on a pink plastic bag that she had got from the fruit stall in pasar malam, which she found was just nice to put in a 500mL bottle of water, a packet of tissue and her lipstick.

The Cultural Palace was full of people when the Tan Family arrived. Mr Tan double-parked the car near the door so they wouldn’t have to walk so far and they joined the milling crowd in the main hall. Suddenly, Ah Boy felt someone tap his shoulder. It was theatre staff. “I’m sorry sir,” she said, “You cannot wear T-shirt and jeans into the theatre. Would you like to rent a jacket from us? Only 10 dollars, just pay a small deposit of 50 dollars and we return you the remaining 40 dollars when you return the jacket.”

Mr Tan was, for the most part, a meek and mild-mannered man who seldom liked to make trouble. He didn’t want them all to be evicted from the theatre after all the trouble he had taken to get them there. So he quietly paid up and got Ah Boy an old jacket from the jacket-rental department that smelt as if it hadn’t been washed for years. As they made their way to the actual theatre from the main hall, they saw some people selling programmes.

Ah Girl went up to them and asked, “How much?”

“30 dollars,” was the answer.

“Yiii. So expensive. Printed on gold ah? Don’t want lah! Better you keep.” she tossed her head and went off.

Unfortunately, the Tan Family had one more obstacle to overcome before they could take their seats.

“I’m sorry ma’am, you cannot take water into the theatre,” said the staff, in a loud and bossy voice, barricading the entrance. “You go over there and rent a locker, only 5 dollars. You keep the water in there.”

Mrs Tan felt like she was going to cry. She had to be led away by Mr Tan who rented the locker and put away her water for her. The fat woman at the entrance cast a critical eye on Mrs Tan’s pink plastic bag, now hanging limp and forlorn, and let them through.

Mrs Tan cheered up a bit when she felt how comfortable the seats were. And then, the show started and she forgot everything and fixed her attention on the stage. Mrs Tan loved everything, the music, the orchestra, the stage props, the lighting… it was the first time she had ever been to a musical and she was thoroughly enjoying the experience. Ah Girl and Ah Boy too, were very excited. They got out of their seats and joined the other children at the railing, looking down onto the stage. Mrs Tan’s view was occasionally blocked by them, and also by somebody in front of her, drinking from a 1.5L bottle. Nevertheless, she was too happy to mind either the children, or the irony of someone slipping a bottle three times as big as hers past the guards at the entrance.

All in all, Mrs Tan was sorry to see the show come to an end. They pushed their way out with the rest of the crowd, collected the water, returned the jacket, and made their way back to the car.

Mrs Tan smiled at her husband. “Thank you,” she said. She knew he was not fond of the Sound of Music but he had made it a family outing anyway. He said nothing but smiled and patted her hand.

Mrs Tan sat back, satisfied. It had been a lovely day.

Un-Model Essay 2007: A Lesson Learnt

2007-11-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

Write a story with the ending “- he had learnt his lesson.”

It was an extremely hot day. The sun beat down mercilessly on Xiao Ming as he walked home from school. Every now and again, he took out a soaking wet handkerchief and mopped his brow with it. The road home was long and Xiao Ming’s bag was heavy. He began to grow weary and yearned for a cool drink to quench his thirst. So he could scarcely believe his eyes when he rounded a corner and saw a stall selling watermelon, papaya and guava slices.

At first, he thought it was a mirage resulting from the oppressive heat, especially as he had no recollection of any fruit stall at this particular corner. However, Xiao Ming was a pragmatic boy, not given to wasting time on speculation. He went up to the stall and gave it a kick. He missed though and his foot met with the cemented umbrella stand making him yell in pain. Only then did the stall keeper notice there was a customer. He looked up and gave Xiao Ming an oily smile. “Hot day isn’t it?” he said, swatting a fly away.

Xiao Ming made no reply. He seldom answered rhetorical questions. A fly buzzed past his ear. Another one landed on his nose and made him sneeze. A third one stopped on his sweaty shirt and cleaned its wings. Xiao Ming waved at them impatiently and they all flew off, only to hover over the fruits.

“How much?” he asked the stall keeper. “Sixty cents for any fruit,” said the man. The first fly landed on a slice of watermelon, the second stopped on the papaya, and the third cleaned its wings on a piece of guava. However, Xiao Ming didn’t notice. He thought the flies were papaya seeds. This was because his eyesight wasn’t very good but he could never be bothered to go to the optician.

“I’ll have one of each,” said Xiao Ming eagerly. He could almost feel the sweet, cool, fruit juices running down his parched throat. He paid the man and continued on his way home, sinking his teeth into the juicy fruit. The flies buzzed after him but decided to return to the fruit stall after a while.

Finally, Xiao Ming reached home. As he crossed the threshold, he was seized by an agonising pain in his stomach. Dropping his bag on the floor, he ran towards the toilet as fast as his legs could carry him. That was only the beginning.

Poor Xiao Ming spent the rest of the day in and out of the toilet. It was lucky that the next day was Saturday and he didn’t have to go to school. He felt miserable and thoroughly sorry for himself and vowed never to eat or drink anything that looked even remotely unhygienic ever again. He also told himself that he would visit the optician regularly to ensure perfect vision, corrected or otherwise. Indeed, he had learnt his lesson.

Un-Model Essay 2007: A Bad Dream

2007-11-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

It was midnight. I was up late, burning the midnight oil. As usual, I hadn’t studied enough beforehand and the exam was in a few days time. I was nodding off in front of my books when I suddenly heard a rude knocking on the door.

“Buh!” I exclaimed, waking from my stupor. At first I wasn’t sure what to do, but the knocking grew more insistent. Unable to contain my curiosity any longer, I tiptoed towards the door and opened it a crack. A bent old hag squinted at me.

“Hello dearie,” she said. “Buy a poisoned apple from a poor old woman?”

I rolled my eyes. “D’you think I was born yesterday?” I said. “You keep that poisoned apple for gullible girls like Snow White.”

I slammed the door shut. More knocking ensued. I sighed and opened the door again. “Go away you old crone,” I began... and was surprised to see a wet, bedraggled little girl at the front door.

“Please,” she said, “I sought shelter at the house yonder but they wouldn’t remove the pea from the bottom of the mattresses, and I couldn’t lift them myself, and I couldn’t get to sleep either…”

I felt sorry for her. She looked so miserable. However, I couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t a wicked witch in disguise so I stalled for time. “Give me a minute,” I said, and shut the door. When I opened it again, there was nobody there. The only sounds that could be heard were the whispering of the wind through the trees and a haunting voice singing in a Native American accent, “listen with your heart, you will understand”.

I shook my head. That enchanted tree would be the death of me one day. I shut the door and went back to my work. There was still another 7000 years of Chinese History to go through. It was an upsetting thought.

Just as I sat down, I heard more knocking. This was beginning to be irritating, so I stumped over to the door and flung it open.

“What?!” I barked.

A very big dog dressed in a nightie blinked back at me.

“I’m your grandma,” it whined. “Don’t you recognise your old granny?”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped. “I’ve had it up to here with you lot, chapping on the door while I’m trying to study and going on about poisoned apples and peas and grandmothers. Anyway, what makes you think you look even remotely like my grandmother, supposing she was still around? She never wore a nightie and her ears weren’t so big and she most certainly didn’t have, ugh, halitosis like you.”

The very big dog narrowed its eyes. “Right,” it growled, rolling up its sleeves. “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.”

I opened my mouth to retort, but to my shock and horror, all that came out was a shrill “not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!” I whipped my head back and saw a pink, curly tail stuck fast to me. The very big dog lunged at my fat little trotters and I squealed like a stuck pig. I struggled and thrashed and…

…awoke to see the grey light of dawn. An angry cat glared at me, his tail lashing back and forth. Without warning, he pounced on my leg, biting hard. I beat him off and fed him some cat food.

All this while, a wave of relief was sweeping over me. It had been nothing but a dream! I told myself sternly that I would have to stop reading so many fairy tales and eating so much cheese for dinner. It was at this point that I realised I was late and rushed to get myself ready for school.

Un-Model Essay 2007: A Picnic By The Seaside

2007-10-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

It was a bright, sunny day. Ah Ba and Ah Ma decided to take their four children on a picnic by the seaside. The children shouted with joy when they heard the news and ran to pack their swimmers and their spade and bucket set. Ah Ma speedily prepared some tuna and sardine sandwiches while Ah Ba checked the oil and the tyres.

After packing all the picnic things and other odds and ends into the car, they set off in a cloud of black smoke. All through the journey, everyone sang songs to the accompaniment of the rattle and clank of the car exhaust. It was altogether an uneventful journey and they reached the seaside in 15 minutes.

The children – Aye, Bee, Cee and Dee, jumped out of the car and sprinted towards the sea. Ah Ba and Ah Ma, left on their own, struggled with the picnic things. With much puffing and panting, they carried everything to a coconut tree conveniently placed fairly close to the sea.

Ah Ma spread the picnic mat in the welcome shade of the tree and arranged herself on it. Ah Ba spread his newspaper and leant back to read. Aye, Bee, Cee and Dee changed and plunged into the sea. Cee and Dee came out quickly because they didn’t know how to swim. Dee began to build a beautiful sand castle complete with moat and turrets, while Cee ran up and down pouring buckets of seawater into a hole he had dug. He was trying to see if he could drain the sea, you see.

The sun rose higher and higher. Ah Ma called the children to come in the shade for lunch before they all got sunburnt. Ah Ba climbed the coconut tree and plucked two coconuts. He took out a chopper that he kept for occasions such as these and opened them. Everyone had a refreshing drink of coconut juice to wash down the sandwiches.

After lunch, everybody felt lazy and lay back on the mat, shutting their eyes. In a little while, Aye and Bee got restless and started to kick each other. Ah Ma decided it was high time they went home. She pulled the picnic mat out from under them and started packing everything into the car. Cee and Dee pretended to cry but nobody took any notice of them.

Ah Ba started up the car and they headed home. As one, all the children turned back to bid farewell to the sea. On the way home, they were stopped by JPJ for having black, smoky emissions from their car. Otherwise, it had been a most enjoyable day.

The Tech-y Tans

2007-10-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Tan Family loved technology as much as any other family. Like any other family, they had Astro, owned handphones, and were regular users of the Internet. In fact, they could hardly imagine life without all these luxuries which they had now come to think of as basic necessities.

Mr Tan loved to tell people, “Call me Teck Kee Tan”. He insisted that his name had predestined him to be a trendsetter in the world of technology. In an effort to be true to his name, he got a new handphone every three months. He said it made him look “tech savvy” and besides, he liked the feel of technology beneath his fingers. What he didn’t tell people was that his utilisation of all these phones stopped at making and receiving calls.

Mrs Tan was much easier to please. She knew how to switch on the telly and the Astro and she was content with that. Anyway, she was much to be commended as she had mastered the use of all the kitchen appliances already and it was no mean feat for her.

Ah Girl and Ah Boy, as was typical of the ‘younger generation’, knew their way around technological gadgets. Their best friend was the computer. They sat in front of it during every spare moment of the day and were forever downloading things from the Internet. Mr Tan did not really approve of this and often tried to get them to buy what they wanted instead from pasar malam or those computer stalls in the heart of town. He supported buying original goods, as long as they were cheap, and the vendors had assured him that they sold original, only at a more affordable price.

One day, Mr Tan wanted to use the computer. The number on their postbox had dropped off in a storm the day before and Mr Tan wanted to replace it with a printed out number on a pretty piece of A4 card. It just so happened that the children were out attending their various tuition classes and weren’t around to help him.

Mr Tan said to himself, “Come on. You’re Teck Kee Tan. Of course you can do it!” With this encouragement, Mr Tan set to work figuring out how to use a computer. Suffice to say, he wasn’t very successful. Before he knew it, the computer had hung and Mr Tan didn’t know what to do. He whipped out his handphone and tried to call Mrs Tan… but thought the better of it. He wanted to call the children, but they were in the middle of classes.

So poor Mr Tan stared at the wall and chewed his nails and kicked his heels and twiddled his thumbs and watched the hour tick past. At long last, the shouts and screams of Ah Girl and Ah Boy heralded their return.

“Aiyo, why so like that one?!” was the chagrined groan of the children when they saw the computer. Ah Girl started to talk to the computer, trying to coax it into working. Ah Boy, however, was a man of few words. He put down his bag, rolled up his sleeves, and kicked the computer.

The screen flickered and the computer started working. Ah Boy dusted off his hands. Mr Tan gave a sigh of relief. Ah Girl sat down and printed out the number. Just as she finished, Mrs Tan called them for dinner which she had prepared with her new halogen cooker. Mr Tan, Ah Girl and Ah Boy whooped with delight and raced towards the dining room. And so another crisis was resolved and another day passed in the Tan Family. From that day forward, Mr Tan abided by a new philosophy: “If it doesn’t work, hit it.”

Mrs Tan Is Ill

2007-08-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Mrs Tan had been feeling uncomfortable for the past few days. The poor woman had contracted a urinary tract infection and was, understandably, rather miserable. She went to see a doctor at the government clinic where she waited to see the doctor and then again to collect her medicine at the pharmacy. It was a long wait both times and the children were restless. Well, Ah Boy, anyway.

Ah Girl was a good girl. She sat staring mindlessly at the television in the waiting room, and later on in the pharmacy, watching cartoons and talk shows and documentaries and soap operas. Ah Boy, however, lost interest after the cartoons. Strangely enough, he was not excited by riveting action such as Brooke finally getting it on with the mailman AND the milkman... He tried disturbing Ah Girl, but she just ignored him. Then he walked round and round, getting in everyone’s way and making a right nuisance of himself. Worst of all, he tried to run around with a stray wheelchair and nearly got smacked by a staff nurse for it. After that, he finally sat down, only to whine that he was hungry.

Mrs Tan was feeling utterly sorry for herself and was not able to cope with Ah Boy’s behaviour. Mr Tan was feeling horribly cross and had gone off to buy himself a newspaper. Fortunately when he came back, Mrs Tan’s number had already been called. Mr Tan strode up to the counter, working his way through the phenomenal crowd of patients, just as the dispenser finished explaining to Mrs Tan how to take her medicine.

“Why does it take so long, har?” he spluttered with rage, spit going all over the glass screen. “I have been here for four hours!” he said in an unnecessarily loud voice with his arms flying everywhere, nearly knocking over a little old lady at the next counter. The hapless girl behind the counter put on a large fake smile and just stared at him, or rather, through him, for her eyes had glazed over at the beginning of his tirade. Mr Tan snarled and snatched the bag of medicine away, muttering “I don’t know why we put up with this!”

“Because it’s free?” suggested Mrs Tan meekly, as she trotted beside him, gesturing to the children to follow. There were times when Mrs Tan could be so much more sensible than her husband.

But then again, Mrs Tan was not all that sensible. On the advice of her regular chicken seller, she did not take the antibiotics that the doctor had prescribed for her. Instead, she went in search of a second opinion. She talked to her neighbour and learnt that what she really ought to do was to see a gynaecologist – a certain Dr Valerie Gina (or as it said on her name plate, Dr V Gina) that her neighbour claimed was without a doubt the best in the country. This neighbour also advised her to get the doctor from the nearby private clinic to write her a referral letter to Dr Gina.

So for the second time, Mrs Tan found herself waiting to see a doctor. Thankfully though, she was alone this time. After waiting for half an hour, she began to get restless. She paced up and down the room, only stopping to complain to the nurses about how the other patient was taking so long and how she had waited for half an hour. The nurses smiled apologetically at her and went into the doctor’s room to convey her message to him. After another ten minutes, it was Mrs Tan’s turn. She settled down in the chair, with an air of one who meant to make herself comfortable for half an hour.

“Doctor, can write letter for me to see specialist, ah?” she began. A look of exasperation crossed the doctor’s face. He knew this kind of person, she didn’t actually want his opinion; she just wanted a despatch clerk. He thought he should make an effort anyhow, and asked her what the problem was. Mrs Tan was very obliging, and told him the whole story from beginning to end. It took her half an hour. The doctor tried his best to convince her that the problem was quite simple really and she didn’t have to see a specialist just yet, but to no avail. In the end, he said, “Look, if you really want to see the specialist, why don’t you just go straight there and see him? You don’t have to get a letter from me.”

“Aiya, why you don’t say so earlier! Okay, okay, thank you very much ya, doctor!” said Mrs Tan as she got up to go. “Oh ya! Eh, can ask you something ah? My husband’s uncle’s friend hor, he got a lump on his hand. Serious ah?”

The doctor sighed inwardly. Here was another patient who spent half an hour in the consultation room, didn’t listen to his advice, and then wanted free consultation for somebody else. Being a kind and caring doctor though, he talked to her for another ten minutes about this. Luckily, Mrs Tan couldn’t think of anymore questions to ask him and he quickly showed her out the door.

To tell the truth, Mrs Tan had gotten herself well and truly confused. She called her friend, as she always did in such times, and told her everything. Her friend listened quietly until Mrs Tan had finished. Then she advised Mrs Tan to trust the doctor. He surely had her best interests at heart. She also advised her to take the medicine that she had been given at the government clinic before making any further decisions.

Mrs Tan hung on to her every word. She followed her friend’s advice and took the medicine. Not surprisingly, she was better quite soon. And so, Mrs Tan recovered from her brief episode of illness, having learnt only one thing: trust your friends – they know best.

The Tans Go On A Picnic

2007-07-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

One fine morning during the school holidays, the Tan Family decided to go on a picnic. Mrs Tan and Ah Girl prepared delicious tuna sandwiches, with lots of tuna, tomato, cucumber and lettuce, which they wrapped in two layers of cling wrap. You see, Mrs Tan knew a friend who worked in the cling wrap factory and occasionally brought back free cling wrap. Mrs Tan believed in the maxim “if it’s free, take more (even though you don’t need it)”, so she had a cupboard full of cling wrap, and felt that she could afford to use it generously.

While they prepared the food, Mr Tan and Ah Boy drove to the sundry shop at the corner of the road to get paper cups and plates and big black rubbish bags. Mrs Tan and Ah Girl worked fast. By the time the others came back, the picnic basket was piled high with sandwiches, water, biscuits and tissue paper.

So the Tan Family set off together to the park at the end of the road. It was actually only a five-minute walk but they drove because Ah Boy complained that walking was too tiring, and Ah Girl didn’t want to get her clothes sweaty and smelly. They found a pretty spot underneath a shady tree and spread the big black rubbish bags to sit on.

It really was a lovely day, and the park was a beautiful place. Mr Tan sat back and breathed in the invigorating air, taking in the beautiful scenery; Ah Girl ran around plucking flowers (which she always said she would press, but never got around to doing it); Ah Boy lay down on his stomach and tried to see what grass tasted like; and Mrs Tan fussed around, distributing food and drinks.

The meal was delicious and the Tans sat silently munching. Mrs Tan finished first and burped loudly. Then Mr Tan leaned back against the tree and sighed contentedly. “Ahhh,” he said, patting his stomach. “Ahhh,” said Ah Girl and Ah Boy, copying him. “Ahhh,” said Mrs Tan because she didn’t want to be left out.

Mr Tan picked his teeth with a toothpick and flicked it aside. Ah Boy finished his biscuit and stuffed the packet under a nearby bush. Just then, a sweet little kitten wandered up to them. “Meow” it called. It could not have been less prepared for what ensued.

“Aahh!” screamed Ah Girl and ran behind the tree. “Boo! BOO!” shouted Mrs Tan at the cat, before she lost her nerve and joined Ah Girl. Meanwhile, Ah Boy grabbed a handful of toothpicks and started throwing them at the kitten. Fortunately, Mr Tan rushed over and stopped him. Quite naturally, the kitten had run away as far as it could.

The Tans were too shaken by this incident to continue their picnic. They swept all their rubbish to one side. Mr Tan had already started back to the car with the picnic basket, leaving Mrs Tan to clean up. Mrs Tan however, reasoned that since the nearby dustbin was already overflowing, there was no point in throwing the rubbish there. She would do just as well to leave it where it was.

“Where shall we go next?” asked Mr Tan when they were all seated in the car with the engine running. “Mamak stall,” said Ah Girl eagerly. “Oh,” put in Mrs Tan, “the one where can ‘tar pow’ in the nice white box… what they call again ah… ‘stai-row-fome’. Okay, okay, we go there.”

And so the Tan Family drove off to the mamak stall happily, having enjoyed a delightful morning. They say ignorance is bliss. Indeed, the Tans were blissfully unaware that they were continually impacting negatively on nature, conservation and global warming.

The Tans Sell Fried Meehoon

2007-05-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

One Saturday morning, the Tan Family went to school. It was the children's school, which had organised a fundraising event and Mr and Mrs Tan had been roped in to sell fried meehoon.

They divided the work so that Mr Tan would handle the money and Mrs Tan would pack the meehoon. In the meantime, Ah Boy would hand out packets of chilli sauce while Ah Girl would curtsey and smile and thank the customers.

All went smoothly at first, and "The Tans’ Fried Meehoon, with real meehoon!" (at least, that's how it was advertised) sold well. Mrs Tan made delicious meehoon and word went round. Besides, the customers were impressed with her idea of using food preparation gloves.

Mrs Tan, however, said that business was good because she had worn a red shirt with a large silver flower on the front, with the purpose of attracting "insects". She meant customers, of course. This was also why she was wasn't very pleased when Mr Tan wore a Ridsect T-shirt that came free with ten cans of insect spray, which he had bought just because they were on a buy-one-get-one-free offer.

Towards noon, the stall was suddenly besieged with customers and Mrs Tan began to get flustered. The first mishap occurred when someone asked for five packets of meehoon – their biggest order so far.

"One… two… three… five," said Mrs Tan, counting as she packed. She beamed at the customer and handed him four packets in a plastic bag. The man knitted his eyebrows together and stared at the bag. Mrs Tan began to get worried.

"Five packets ya? One, two, three, five," she said, pointing at each packet as she counted. Fortunately the man realised what the problem was and held up five fingers instead. It worked.

"Stop?" said Mrs Tan, looking at his raised hand. Then,

"Oh, six! Okay okay, I pack one more for you, no problem."

The second thing happened when there were so many customers that some gave Mrs Tan exact change rather than wait at the counter. By a stroke of luck, nobody noticed that Mrs Tan had collected all the grubby money with her gloved hands. When Mrs Tan noticed herself, she was a little horrified, but as she only had one pair of gloves, she just kept quiet and stopped collecting money.

It is believed that this event only served to improve the taste of the meehoon, for it increased in popularity until all the meehoon was sold out. Mr Tan was counting the proceeds when Ah Boy came up to him.

"What shall we do with all the leftover chilli sauce?" he asked.

"Mm. You can give it away. But if it's gone bad, throw it away," said Mr Tan, trying to concentrate on what he was doing.

"Okay," said Ah Boy. But he didn't really understand. There were too many 'away's in the sentence. It confused him. So he decided to sell the sauce.

He walked among the crowds and tried to sell the whole lot for "three ringgit, okay two seventy, okay two fifty". Finally, a lady took pity on him and bought the sauce. Ah Boy smiled his most beautiful smile at her and thanked her.

However, there was something his father had said to him that he couldn't quite remember. He scratched his head and the lady stepped back quickly in case he had lice. Just as she turned to go, Ah Boy remembered.

"Aunty!" he called. "But if it's bad, throw it away!" He grinned, pleased that he had managed to remember something. The lady's jaw dropped, but Ah Boy had already disappeared.

All in all, it was a success. The Tans had earned quite a bit of money for the school. Now they could look forward to a new school library being built soon.

Un-Model Essays 2006: Formal Letter

2006-09-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

You are an an quan tao pi fa shang. Write a formal letter to the school headmistress informing the headmistress of your company's services.

Holess AQT
9 Jln SP,
56400 Kuala Lumpur.________________________________________________________________________________

The Headmistress
Kuen Cheng Co-Ed High School
5 Jln SP,56400 Kuala Lumpur
25 SEPTEMBER 2006

Dear Madam,

Re: Services To Provide AQT In Your School

In accordance with your plan to convert your all-girls school into a co-ed school, my company is pleased to offer our services to provide aqt in your school.

2. We are able to provide your school with aqt dispensers in all male and female toilets, including staff toilets if so required. Besides that, we can also provide you with educational leaflets for distribution, detailing the use of aqt and the risks involved.

3. We are able to come every month, or whenever necessary, to refill the dispensers at no extra cost. We can also provide, upon request, loose boxes of aqt that can be sold at the canteen or the bookshop or any other place that is deemed necessary.

4. As we are all aware, teenagers have very enquiring minds. In order to prevent unwanted accidents or communicable diseases, we recommend the use of our services, which can be obtained for a reasonable price of RMXXX per month.

5. A special promotion is ongoing, where if you sign up for our services, we will sponsor a talk on sex education in your school free of charge. In addition, we have a 12+1 deal where you will get one month service free if you sign up for twelve months. These offers are only available if you sign up before 15 October 2006.

Thank you.

"Make the right choice!"

Yours sincerely,

The Owner

(This letter is computer-generated and needs no signature)